The Secrets You Keep

Sessions

I'm back in the same office that I told myself I would never come back to. Two things motivated me to be here though, I want to get a deeper understanding of Pastor Mitchell and her motives, and I want to try and keep my parents off my case long enough until I can get my own place. I'm tense already, I wish I could just go home and crawl into my bed and never have to come out again. After a waiting for almost 20 minutes, I finally see Pastor Mitchell walking towards her office and opens the door and peaks her head inside. Damn, she doesn't keep track of time and her engagements at all. No wonder she needs an assistant running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

"Hi Cameron, I'm so sorry I'm late for our meeting." she says while reaching out to shake my hand."

"It's fine." I shake her hand quickly, then center my focus on a bookcase across the room.

"Listen, my husband and I really enjoyed having you and your parents over last night."

"Thank you." I stare at her blankly.

Sensing my annoyance, she offers me something to drink in hopes of softening my already hardened demeanor towards her.

"Cameron, would you like something to drink to help relax you, I can tell that this meeting is causing you some tense emotions right now."

"No thank you."

"Understood." she pauses and looks into my eyes with the same curiosity that she had when we first met almost two weeks ago.

"Your parents care about you dearly Cameron." "Your mother feels like she's doing the best that she can do for her child, which is making sure you get proper spiritual and emotional counsel."

"With all due respect Pastor Mitchell, you know that's a lie from both sides, from my parents and you." "Let's not forget about last night when you told me how sorry you were about the whole thing and oh yeah, two Sundays ago when you kissed me."

I don't mention the fighting I heard between her and Dr.Mitchell out of respect however, silence quickly falls over the office like it did the same way it did two weeks ago before the kiss. She knows that this entire situation is an act, but my parents are paying her handsomely to try and convert their precious daughter and if there's one thing that church leaders don't discriminate against...it's money.

"Just be honest, pastor." "With yourself and my parents."

"Cameron, do you honestly think I enjoy doing this?" Pastor Mitchell says without breaking her eye contact, slowing shaking her head and smiling.

"I honestly don't know if you're enjoying this part of me thinks you do, but what I do know is that you have no issue with taking my parents money either." I roll my eyes and run my hand through my hair.

"I had no idea of your parents plans to pay me, I typically don't accept money from members unless they are tithing on Sunday morning or Tuesday nights." "You have to understand, your mother has made it clear to me that she is willing to do whatever it takes to have you successfully converted." "Even if that means paying me to do it." Pastor Mitchell hangs her head down, clearly feeling guilty and embarrassed.

"You know there's nothing wrong with me, yet, you take my parents money willingly when you had the choice to tell my mother no." "You kissed me, tell me how sorry you are about this entire situation but, you planned these sessions with my parents without my knowledge or consent." "You're sick in head and need more help than I ever would." "We're done here!" I stand up abruptly, and walk away from the pastors' desk.

Before I give her another chance to speak, I grab my cell phone, jacket and walk out of her office. I set up an Lyft, after a few minutes, the driver pulls up to take me home. I tip the driver then thank him before getting out of the car, and grabbing my keys from my pocket to unlock the door. My parents are arguing about something so, I walk into the kitchen to find out what's going on. When I walk into the room the fighting stops, and my mother begins to cross examine me once again.

"Cameron why are you not at your meeting with Pastor Mitchell?" My mother snaps at me.

"I cut the session short." "I'm not going back to have anymore meetings with her." I lean up against the kitchen counter and reach for a piece of strawberry that my dad cut up.

"Oh yes you are!" She yells at me.

"No I'm not!" "There's nothing wrong with me being gay!" "You had no right to set up those meetings without my knowledge or consent!" "She's not even a licensed counselor!"

"You know how I feel about the sinful things you cling to, and I will not allow you to stay in this house any longer with us unless you repent and change!" My mother says.

"Well I hate to break it to you mama, but that's never going to happen." "You don't have to worry about me living here anymore."

I quickly turn my back and run upstairs to pack up my clothes so that I can stay over at my best friend Travis' place. We've been friends since diapers and he's seen a lot of the same dysfunction and bullshit in his life that I have, I think that's why our friendship has lasted so long, he's the brother I wish I could've had if my parents decided to have more kids. My dad is trying to catch up to me, but I make it upstairs first and I shut my door. For most of my life, I've been so used to my dad being a hushed entity in our house, but for the first time in years, my father decides to try to diffuse our situation.

"Cameron, open this door." My dad says.

"I'm leaving right now dad, just let me leave that's all I'm asking."

"You are not leaving this house, your mother didn't mean all those things."

"Yes she does and you know it." "You let her rule this house for years and drag me to that church for years knowing that I was unhappy and you said nothing!" "You allowed her to spend money to try and convert me when you know there's nothing wrong with me."

I pack up the last of my clothes into two bags, open my bedroom door and run back down stairs. I throw my house keys into a bowl that sits on a small table next to the door and make my way outside. Travis has his own two bedroom apartment near downtown and told me if I ever needed to crash over there I could.  So I hop in another Lyft and make my way over to his place.

Why is this all happening to me all at once? I just want my parents to accept me for me, without trying to force me into conversion therapy with a pastor who obviously has issues with confronting her own sexuality. I wish I could just go away from all of this and get a chance to start over fresh. Hell, instead of wishing, this moment might be a chance right now for me to start over.