Love On The Battlefield (Ziall Horlik) AU

Chapter 12

Zayn's POV

My eyes scanned over the page one last time before reading it again. Those words on the paper didn't seem to be making sense to me anymore. It was just one big blur. The only thing I truly understood was the ache in my chest as I read the words.

Zayn,

You've been gone for a long time now. Well, a month is a long time for me. I don't even know if you're alive or not. We haven't heard from you or anything about you. It's hard for me to just wait here for you, not knowing if we will have that future you promised me.

Because you're not home and I have the uncertainty that you will come home, I feel obligated to tell you something I've been hiding from you. Remember I still love you, but somethings were just not true. I'm just going to come out and say it, no sugar coating. But really, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.

I've been cheating of you for the past six months of our relationship. I've also, during this time in our relationship, been using your popularity to get in with the big crowd.

You never really were all that real to me. I just needed a hopeless romantic to fall for me, so I could get out of that nurdy reputation I had. My plan worked, but I also created small feelings for you along the way.

As for me cheating, I guess I already got my karma for sleeping around so much. I'm pregnant... I'm not sure who the baby's father is, but there's just a small chance that it could be yours.

I know you're probably thinking that you'll stay by my side no matter what because that's who you are, but that's not who I am.
Please Zayn, understand that if you're in any pain, that was far from being my plan. I just needed someone to use and you so happened to be there. Now I just need to tell you that if you do come home and find it in your kind heart to forgive me for all I've done, then I would like to try for a future with you. I'm having a hard time waiting for you and being three months pregnant with I don't know who's baby, makes it even harder.

I really do love you. Even if you think that's not true, you're wrong. I do love you. Please forgive me, I'm so sorry.

Perrie xx

I just sat there not wanting to believe the words I had just read three times. How could she do this to me? How could she use me from the day we first met and tell me her love for me is real? I fell madly in love with her, only for her to say she's been cheating on me through most of our relationship and is pregnant with someone's kid. How could she write this to me while in a life or death situation? she's supposed to stand by me and support me, not tell me all the horrible things she's done.

I know I should be grateful for her honesty, but this fucking hurts. I thought I was good for her, so she shouldn't have cheated on me. Then again, I thought he actually liked me but instead she was using me for social status. I'm so stupid for loving her, for giving her everything I had.

I thought we would get married one day so I didn't care if I lost my virginity to her. It was the fist time I loved anyone so much in my life. I always had be taught to wait until marriage, but if we were going to get married it didn't seem like such a sin. Now, I'm left with a dirty feeling of her because I know I wasn't the only one to be with her so intimately. She's fucking pregnant and the father is unknown.

My mind started to roll through all the times we had sex, trying to find out if maybe that kid was mine. I know I was always very safe about it, because I didn't want to ruin either of our lives. Even though a baby doesn't ruin lives, for our teenage minds it would have. Now that I'm thinking, there was only one time we did it not safe, but I still had control of myself.

For using me just for popularity, she did learn to know me very well. She knows that I would forgive her in heart beat if it ment helping her through her pregnancy or raising her children, even if it wasn't mine. I wouldn't just leave her to do that alone. I'm not that type of guy, no matter what stuck up reputation I have, I'm not like that.

I neatly folded the paper in my hands and put it back in the envelope. Maybe if I just pretend I never read that, this ache in my chest will stop. Maybe, if I just stopped thinking about those words, they will all become lies and she'll really love me.

All I want is for someone to love me for me. Not for the popularity I had in school, not for my looks or school work. Just me. The person that wakes up in the morning looking like a troll. The person that cries when alone because being a fake person hurts to the core. I want someone to still look at me like I'm their superhero, even when they see I'm scared of something. I just want so much, that I thought I had, but it was fake.

A few tears ran down my face as I thought of all the times I missed class or got in trouble just to spend time with her. How hard I would try to make her laugh or just be happy. I was hurting so bad knowing I wasted almost two years of my life on someone who was using me, yet I still love her. Sure, I felt like I didn't get that lovey-dovey feeling when I thought of her anymore, but that's kind of what love is.

You don't always have that feeling. Sometimes you could be fighting or super annoyed with the person, but that doesn't mean you don't love them. Love is like a tatoo. When you first fall in love you feel it so strongly, just like the ink being in bedded into your skin with the needle. But after a while, you don't even feel the marked skin anymore, yet you know it's there. The days you look at that place on your body and wonder why you got it or the days you wish it would go away, are soon replaced with the days of feeling of adoration towards the art.

I wiped my eyes and put the letter in my backpack. I was forever going to keep this. This will be a riminder to me of why I'm never going to fall in love with anyone ever again. It hurts too bad to have your heart broken, so why bother. Especially if you never know if the persons feelings are real.

I looked over at Louis, who was reading his letter with a huge smile smacked in his face. I shuffled closer and started reading who it was from, but that's when confusion really hit me. Why was he smiling at this information? As if my heart wasn't already hurting enough form Perrie's letter, now that I just read over the letter from Harry's mum, Anne; it felt like it was going to break from pain I was in.

Louis put down the paper and smiled at me with tears glossing over his deep blue eyes. I was going to open my mouth to say something to make sense of this situation, but Louis just out and said it.

"Harry never loved me, and now he's dead."

A/N: oops! Im really sad now! Comment / Vote!
                       - Bri