Memories

XLVI

GOOD IN BED

'Yeah, let's get to the point here
You love to disappoint me, don't ya?
You tell me what I want, but ain't no follow through'

⥎
⥐

One of the only good things about the Ravens' Nest was that Thalia had her own room. It seemed insignificant in the long run, but that short amount of time alone gave her time to think. She knew she was being watched - the cameras in the corners of the ceiling weren't inconspicuous.

There weren't any art supplies in the building, and Thalia knew asking would get her a slap to the face at the very least. So instead she used her little free time honing her pencil skills. They were terrible, but having memory stained drawings of her old teammates staring down at her from her wall made Thalia comfortable enough to relax as she slept.

The first thing she'd done upon being given her own room was shove the bed up against the wall farthest from the door. Riko was the only other 'Black Hall' resident, and it didn't make Thalia feel any safer. She somehow wished she were with the other Ravens in Red Hall.

Every morning at five thirty, Thalia would be woken by an alarm she couldn't change, even if she wanted to. Which she so desperately did. Then she'd have a shower and get dressed, and open her door after praying Riko wasn't standing there waiting for her. He always was.

They'd walk in silence to the dining hall, and then have breakfast, apart from all the others. Still, there was silence. 

After breakfast, Thalia would be escorted back to her room by, unsurprisingly, Riko. She'd collect her books and then walk to class, where Riko would leave her. Classes were two hours each, and the Ravens had all the same classes in small groups. Thalia was just grateful Riko wasn't in any of hers.

After classes, Riko would pick her up again and take her either to the changing rooms, where they'd split ways and change out for practice, or to the gym, where they'd all do other types of training.

Thalia had picked up very quickly that everyone was silent in Riko's presence, and the only time anyone talked was when they were spoken to by him. It was as if they really believed he was a king. What Neil had said the moment they'd arrived at the building was almost right - 'This isn't a team. This is a cult.'

⥎
⥐

"Repeat after me," Thalia's mother said. Then she slowly said a French word, and Thalia and a black, long haired, Neil repeated back to her. They were about thirteen or fourteen, and Thalia couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. "What's wrong, Freya?" her mother asked. Thalia pushed a lock of hair behind her ears.

"Nothing, mother," she said. "I just need to go to the bathroom, is all." she got a hum in return, and then a quick jerk of the head towards where Thalia knew the bathroom was. "Thank you, mother."

On her way back to the room, Thalia paused at the sound of her mother's voice. "Your sister is not strong enough," she hissed in low English. Neil looked confused. "I told you we should have left her behind. She would have been better off there. Her life would have been tough, but not as tough as this life."

"Mother, how can you say that?" Neil asked, not bothering to keep his voice down. Their mother hushed him. "She's your daughter. They were treating her badly there, and you know it."

"Yes, but she wouldn't have to spend the rest of her life running from those very people."

"Mother?" Thalia said uncertainly, making her presence known. Her mother whipped around. "Is that really what you think of me? You don't think I'm strong enough?"

"Darling," she said, reaching her hands out for Thalia to walk into a hug. She stayed where she was. "Freya, you know that your life before was difficult. Your father was a terrible person. And it is clear to me by the way you were scarred that the Moriyamas were not any kinder to you. And yes, this life that we have now is difficult, but no. I do not think you are strong enough. For any of it."

Thalia frowned. She didn't say anything, and instead nodded, knowing it was what her mother wanted from her. She took her place back at Neil's side and looked up at her mother, willing the tears in her eyes not to spill over. Maybe her mother was right. Maybe she wasn't strong enough. 

That night, when she was in the bathroom preparing for bed, Thalia looked at the knives her mother insisted they kept in their small duffel bags at all times. In case of emergencies, she'd said. "This is an emergency," Thalia whispered to herself as she reached for one and picked it up. She admired the blade. "I'm not strong enough," she said, pressing the tip against the skin of her thigh. "I'm broken." she pressed hard enough to burst the skin and make the first tear drop out of her eyes. "Worthless." dragging it across her skin. "Nothing." repeating the process and the words made each time easier.

Thalia didn't cut deep enough to cause too much damage, but she knew one of the cuts would scar over. That was alright, so long as it was a single one.

She used toilet paper and wet it, pressing it against the wounds she'd created. The blood soaked through, so Thalia had to do it with a significant amount of tissue to stop the bleeding. Then she got a single bandaid and placed it over the cuts to stop infection. Her mother had always tended to Neil and Thalia's wounds, but from then on, Thalia decided to do it herself. She wouldn't let a woman who thought her own daughter useless tend to the wounds of the one considered useless.