Severus Snape A Soul Undiminished

Chapter 6 - Wonder

Chapter 6

Wonder

Severus retreated into his study once again. He wondered what had come over him. He thought about the day, and realized that his wonderment at his own actions, all of them, had begun the moment he decided to help this woman. Sirana...he felt like he knew her somehow, like he was closer to her than his one day of time with her. He had heard people speak of soulmates, and he had considered it nonsense... until he met Lily. He was then sure that she was his soulmate, destined to be together forever. That cruel illusion was very short-lived, and he was once again cynical of the concept of a soulmate, until today. He had felt drawn to Sirana when he entered Malfoy Manor that night. Every moment thereafter seemed to strengthen the powerful gravity he imagined pulling him to her. From her reaction in the dining room, he thought for a minute that she had felt the same pull. Then his doubt had taken over, and he cursed himself for allowing the sweet smile he saw on her lips fool him into thinking he was anything other than detestable to the opposite sex. He inwardly admitted that he was being a bit hard on himself and was uncharacteristically allowing himself to indulge in self-pity. He knew 'detestable' was a strong word, even for himself. There were other women in his past who had considered him attractive, or were at least attracted to his power, or even his position as a Death Eater. But to consider this woman as attracted to him was difficult to believe—she was beautiful, there was no denying it, along with a tough-as-nails will, all bundled up in a lovely package, one that willingly admitted her own attraction for him, by her words and by her actions. Whatever the true reason behind her mysterious appearance in his world, in his life, no longer mattered. He was ready to take the risk of falling hard even if it was, in fact, an elaborate illusion.

With that understanding, he decided to stop hiding out in his study and to face the only person he wanted to see. He found her curled up in his favorite chair in the living room. He stood over her for a while, just looking at her, being close to her. He saw her start to breath faster, as her body twitched, her eyes tightening. He heard a muted moan coming from her, as if she was screaming within a dream. He decided to break the spell of her nightmare and gently lifted her up in his arms. Then, turning to sit in the chair, he held her in his lap. She was surprisingly light, especially considering that she was not a delicate-looking woman. She looked well-toned and healthy, almost athletic, but he knew her recent ordeal, first being lost in the forest for who knows how long, and then being held at Malfoy Manor for the last week or so, had taken its toll, and he could feel her ribs too close to her skin. His concern for her well-being welled up, as she recovered from the nightmare without waking, and began to sleep more calmly in his arms. She felt so warm and soft that he felt a bit of guilt for the feelings that holding her against him stirred up in him. However, he remained content to hold her while she slept and found himself dropping off to a warm, comfortable sleep himself.

Severus woke to find Sirana still coiled up on his lap sound asleep. He gently tucked her head under his chin, thinking of the dark solitude he had expected for himself, and silently wished for things to be different. He had loved before...Lily, and his love for her was like a wound that could never be healed. But that love was not mutual, at least to his knowledge, and he craved in his soul a mutual love that would give and not just take. There was something familiar about Sirana, but also something very compelling. She was soft and hard, she was bold and shy, she was innocent and passionate, she was fiery and gentle. Maybe the duality of her nature suited the duality in his own. A contradiction that somehow found a balance. She didn't know him yet though. If she discovered his own true nature, would she be repulsed by him? 

As if by more than mere coincidence, he felt his Dark Mark begin to move, and he knew that the Dark Lord was summoning him. It was still early in the day, and Severus regretted having to leave Sirana. He rose from the chair, gently lifting and carrying her into his bedchamber. He laid her on the bed, tucking the blanket in around her. The sensation from Dark Mark on his arm was beginning to grow more uncomfortable, reminding him of the painful choices of his past. He slowly leaned down to place a kiss on Sirana's forehead, stubbornly refusing to give in to the urgency of the call from Voldemort, however; he knew it was not wise to delay answering to the Dark Lord, and he strode from the room with the resoluteness of a man determined forge a new path.