I took a rather big amount of quizzes about mental disorders
I'm already suspecting that for a long time since I entered highschool
I mean you know, this would sound like "BITCH I NEED ATTENTION" but I do sound like one. I guess I don't deserve to be here...
Its really saddening to see how my 2015 started with me smiling but my 2014 ended with me crying
I made a resolution to be happier this year. Because I wanted to change for everyone but its just... I FUCKING WANT TO CRY MY EYES OUT WHENEVER I SEE HAPPY PEOPLE WHY CANT I BE HAPPY LIKE THEM?!
WHY CANT I BE LIKE MY DRAWING WHERE THEY SMILE AND LOOK GENUINELY HAPPY
I ALREADY SHARED IT TO MY MOTHER AND SHE'S FUCKING INDIFFERENT AND TOLD ME TO CHANGE DOES SHE KNOW HOW HARD IS IT TO CHANGE AND MY ONLY OPTIONS ARE TO STAY OR CHANGE DO YOU EVEN HAVE A FUCKING CLUE MOM THAT YOUR ELDEST DAUGHTER KEEPS BREAKING DOWN AND IS ALWAYS SCARED AND FOREVER ANXIOUS AND THAT EXTROVERT KID YOU KNOW IS LONG DEAD?!
THAT EVERY NIGHT I WONDER IF ITS OKAY TO DIE
Then these thoughts of me leaving...
I dont really want to abandon you guys. You can tell me the world cannot risk losing a wonderful person. I don't think I'm a wonderful person
I'm a bad person really... My temper is terrible. I'm actually more of an anti-social in school despite pretending to love hanging out
Yeah my uncle found my blade and threw it out. Bless your soul uncle but don't forget they're replacable
I've been trying not to self-harm and my longest record is 4 months. I know you're proud that I didn't slice my wrist last night. That I ate something last night
*looks down*
But it feels strange not to do them
*looks at you*
Is it okay for me to continue living? Or should I already leave the internet and the world too forever?
I don't really feel the need to live anymore. The very first person who actually wanted to be friends with me... She died last December. Her words that I'll always remember? "Aw its okay!"
She's so nice and so sweet like WHY THE FUCK DO GOOD PEOPLE DIE EARLY I MEAN I KNOW WHY I'M ALIVE IT IS BECAUSE I AM A BAD PERSON WHO DOESN'T DESERVE TO LIVE FOR FULL 15 YEARS AND SHOULD HAVE DIED LONG AGO
I TOLD MY MOTHER I CANT TAKE IT AND SHE SAID CHANGE HOW HARD ITS IT?! SHE THINKS ITS THAT EASY?! SHE FUCKING REFUSED TO LISTEN WHY I STILL CRY OVER THE THOUGHTS OF MY BESTFRIEND IN SCHOOL DEAD
"She's just another person. You'll meet more" That's what she said
THAT KIND OF PERSON IS RARE! I WOULD NEVER MEET A PERSON WHO UNDERSTOOD ME!
Then I told two of my school friends I'm done. Their words... I can't... They wanted me to stay
I dont deserve to stay for your information
And it hurts terribly to live
Yeah. How does one expect a sickly 15 year old teenager who struggles with major depression to go to school and be normal and happy and social and shit
I love how many people I fooled already. And that makes me bad
I really dont want to live anymore. I'm actually jealous that she's in a better place and in good hands now. That I'm stuck here
To my friends, I feel like I dont deserve to be called your friend. Just leave me alone. Go find someone happier than me. Someone with actual sense. Someone who doesn't cry over small things. Someone broken
I'll be okay. I'll be gone soon anyway
