I'm torn.

I'm Torn - Chapter 13.

"Yeah? What's up Niall?" I ask. "It's um, it's Josh." he says. "What, what happened?" I ask. 

I feel Zayn shift on the bed and rest his head on my bare back. "Who is it?" he mumbles. "Niall." I mouth out. He nodded and Niall finally spoke. "He overdosed." he says quietly. 

My heart instantly dropped. I was shocked. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even cry. I was numb. I didn't move. I didn't talk. I was frozen. Basically my whole world crashed. 

"He left you a note." Niall says. 

Silence.

I wanted to say something but I couldn't. I felt like I was going to throw up. Scratch that, I did vommit, right on the floor beside Zayn's bed. "y/n...y/n..." I hear through the phone. Zayn answered the phone this time. "What's up mate? She's all messed up right now." Zayn says. 

Silence.

"Oh dear god..no." Zayn says after a few minutes. I curled up in a ball, and the tears weren't even slow, it was like Niagra Falls. I caused this. I caused him to be pushed this far. I knew he didn't have anyone besides from me, and he was terryfied of losing me, but I still did this. I still cheated on him. 

Zayn put his arms around me. "Shh, babe it's okay." he says. "No! It's not okay Zayn! It's far from okay! I made him kill himself! I should be the one who dies, not him, he was nothing but perfect but I was far from it, I deserve to die I-" "Hey! you didn't make him kill himself, it was his choice. He was an amazing guy, but it's not your fault your weren't completely happy with him." he says. "Zayn, I need to go, I need to get out of here." I say. "Y/n stay." he says. 

I already put my clothes on and walked out the door. It was so cold outside but I hardly noticed, I mean how could I? Josh was gone...forever. 

I walked to Josh's flat since it was close. He gave me a key three months ago, and I remember it like it was yesterday. He was so nervous and I couldn't help but smile and kiss him to tell him how happy I was. I wish we could share a moment like that again. 

I saw Harry's car parked in the lot, so I assumed him and Niall were here for sure. 

I opened the door with my key and walked inside. Everything's the exact same as he left it. I could smell his scent lingering through the flat. I loved his smell, but I was too damn stupid to stay. 

"Hey y/n..." Niall said softly. "Hi.." I barely choked out. 

Silence. 

He finally walked towards me and wrapped me in the deepest hug. I started crying. Harder this time, and I felt Niall start to shake from his sobbing. "It's all my fault." I croak out. "No it's not, he made stupid choice, he was being an idiot." he says. 

We finally departured and walking into the living room. "You said he left a note?" I ask. "Actually kind of a package, I didn't open it but it says your name." he says and hands me a brown box. 

After a little bit longer, I leave. I can't stay there, everything there screams Josh, and it's too much to handle. 

I walk to my house, even though it's far, but it's a good idea to walk. I can think. I'm not suffocated, and no one bothers me. 

I finally get home and sit on my bed. I'm scared to open this package, but I have to. 

I read the letter first.

My dearest, y/n. 

I love you so much. I swear I'm not mad, I'm not upset, I understand. I get you still have feelings for Zayn. I do. It hurts, yes, because you were my everything. My reason to get up in the morning, to breathe, to smile, to do anything, hell, I was going to propose to you tonight, the ring is in that black box in the package, but you're not with me anymore. I have no reason to wake up in the morning. To get out of bed, to do anything. So I don't have a reason to stay here anymore, love. You're beautiful, but please don't blame yourself for my choice. I already took these pills, and I can feel my body starting to shut down. I love you, y/n. Never change, I hope you and Zayn are happy. 

Love, forever and always,

Josh.

I take the black velvet box, and clutch it to my chest as I start to sob. I don't want to see the ring. Not yet, at least.

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I'm so tired I have to stop there omg