I'm torn.

Chapter 9.

Zayn & I have been just cuddling for an hour, & I don't know, he gave me butterflies. 

My head was on his chest, & his arms were around my waist. I honestly just noticed his tattoos, they were odd, but I know he's not stupid, each one of them has a special meaning to him. I notice one of his tattoos in particular. The yin-yang tattoo. We used to have matching necklaces of that when we were younger.

I trace the outline of the tattoo & he smiles. "That one was for you." he says. "Wait...for me?" I ask, kinda surprised, I just thought he got it, to get it. "Yes dummy, we did have matching necklaces." he says. "AWE ZAYN" I say. "Shut up." he chuckles. "That's so cute." I say before kissing him. 

The way Zayn kissed me was so different from the way Josh kissed me. I don't know, Zayn's kiss just became natural & whenever he kissed me, my stomach would get butterflies, & when Josh kissed me, it was more forced, like we felt we had to kiss, but I always felt something. Maybe it wasn't the whole butterfly affect, but there's definitely something there, some spark between us. 

I just noticed Zayn was staring at me. "What?" I ask, getting a bit self conscious. "You're just so beautiful, I swear." he says. I can't help but smile & kiss his cheek, but his hand instantly find my waist & he rolls us over so he's on top of me & kisses me, this time with a bit more force. 

His hands are sliding up my shirt & I know where this is going...but am I really ready for this? Yes, I love Zayn, but this is pretty much like out first date, do I really want to do this on our first date? No. So I pull out of the kiss. He looks confused. "Zayn..I know where this is going...just not tonight ok?" I say. He sighs. "Makes sense, it's practically the first time we've been together." he says. 

The rest of the time we watched another movie & just talked, it was nice. I loved spending the day with Zayn, he was so relaxed & nothing really seemed to bother him. I don't know, he was a lot different from Josh, somehow I can't stop comparing both of them. I know I shouldn't but it's impossible not to. I mean, we have Josh who is so loving & sweet, but something about Josh is so protective, it's kinda overwhelming & on the other hand I have Zayn who is relaxed & calm, but when I kiss him or hug him, I know he loves me. It's just so different. 

I left his parents house around nine & got to my car, I drove back home feeling pretty content about how the day went. I finally arrived at my house & go straight to my room, I avoid my parents that are in the living room, I really don't want to deal with them right now. 

I honestly don't think these butterflies are going to stop anytime soon, so I just lay on my bed thinking about him, Zayn. Why doesn't Josh make me feel like this anymore? Did he ever really? I don't know, maybe he never did, or maybe he still does, I just don't realize it. 

& then I hear my phone ringing. 

"Hello." I say. "Hey...I need to ask you something..& I really need the truth." Josh says. "Ok go ahead." I say. "Well maybe it's best if I talked to you in person." he says. "Alright, come over?" I ask. "I'll be there in a few." he says.

Oh god what if he knows? Wait - how would he know? It's not like Zayn would call him, or any of the other boys would say anything....right? 

Within minutes Josh was knocking on my door, he seemed nervous. "What's wrong babe?" I ask. "I feel like...I feel like you're becoming distant...I just need to know if you still want to be with me..I love you, but don't pitty me if you don't want this anymore.." He says. "Josh.." "Please just tell me the truth." he says. 

Before I know it, I crash my lips into his, & kiss him. Once I back away. I put my arms around his neck & look at him. "Josh, I love you, don't doubt us, I've just had a lot on my mind lately." I say. He nods. 

Josh finally left so I could get some sleep. I feel guilty, I always told myself I'd never be one to cheat on my boyfriend, but I am. I'm cheating on Josh. I can't stand the sick feeling in my stomach. 

The next morning, I got ready & went to school, I couldn't help but notice everyone looking at me funny, which was odd, I never really was talked about, I mean, I wasn't really popular. 

I went to my first period, & my friend came & nearly knocked me out of my seat. "OHMYGOD!" she nearly yells. "What?" I ask, confused. "Why were you with Zayn Malik last night?!  I thought you were with Josh!" she says. "What are you talking about?" I ask, getting worried. 

She pulled out the newspaper, & the first thing it said was

"ZAYN MALIK STEALING THE DRUMMER'S GIRL?" 

"When we saw Zayn Malik, & the mystery girl who is now identified as y/n snogging the other night, we were sure they were together, but y/n denied rumors & made it clear the she was with Josh Devine - the new drummer for One Direction, but what was she doing at Zayn's house last night? The Bradford Bad Boy, can't be up to any good. Josh, watch out." 

I couldn't breathe. This can't be happening.