I'm torn.

Chapter 4.

"Uh sure Zayn go ahead." I say, scared. "You know how..uh before I left, how we said that uh...well we felt?" he asks. "What? When I told you I loved you & you said you did too?" I ask. I can see him gulp a bit.."Yeah.." he said quietly. "What about it Zayn?" I ask. "I wasn't lying..I meant it." he says. "Yeah so did I two years ago." I say laughing lightly. "y/n I still mean it.." he says. I can feel my heart beating faster. Why was he doing this to me? Dammit. 

"I like cheese, do you like cheese?" I ask trying to change the subject, but the fuck was I talking about cheese for? ugh. "Yeah..cheese it alright..but don't change the subject." he says. "Zayn what do you want from me? This is the first I've talk to you in two years! I'm with someone I genuinely care about, why are you doing this?" I ask. He rubs his face with his hands. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..Just Louis told me to tell you & I don't know, I just did it." he says. 

"This could've been different if you didn't shut me out of your life." I say quietly. He looked down. "I'm sorry." he whispers. "Why did you though?" "What do you mean?" "Why did you push me out of your life?" I ask. "I-I don't know..I tried to talk to you as much as possible, & then everything started getting to be much & I didn't have time, I tried. I really did." he says. "Then I don't believe that you meant it." I say. "But, I did." he says confused. 

I park the car in front of the house. "No, if you loved someone you would find time to talk to them, not make excuses." I say getting out of the car. I grabbed the pizza out of the back seat & started to walk to the door. "y/n please wait." Zayn says grabbing my arm. Before I could say anything his lips pressed against mine. 

I pulled away. "No, you're too late." I say turning around to see Harry with wide eyes. "I didn't see anything, just grabbing something out of my car." he says grabbing the pizza from me. "Thanks Harry."  I say. He just nods & leads me into the house. I put the pizza on the counter & I guess Josh didn't know I was here because I overhear them talking about sex. 

"Well..I mean it was her first time, & it was great." he says. "Was she good?" Niall asks. "She was fucking amazing." Josh says chuckling. I walk behind Josh & the boys saw me & smirked. Josh still didn't see me & then I put my arms on his shoulders. "Hey Josh?" I ask. "Yeah babe." he says. "Mm do me a favor & not talk about our sex lie? Okay? Okay." I say & walk back to the kitchen to hear all the boys laughing. 

I grab two slices of pizza & put it on a plate. I go back to sit by Josh & give him one of the pieces. All the boys looked at me. "What? You have two hands & feet, I'm not serving you." I say. They chuckle. "Josh has two hands & feet too." Niall says. "Yeah, but Josh is mine." I say. I can see his cheeks get a little red. "Awh." they all mock at us. "Shut up, at least I have a girlfriend." he says to Niall, & Harry. 

"Where's Zayn?" Louis asks. Harry looks at me. "I don't know." I say. "I'll go check." Louis says & walks outside. He leaves the door open as he walks outside. "There you are Zayn!" we hear him say. There was a pause before we heard "YOU DID WHAT?" Louis practically yelled. "YOU IDIOT. NOT NOW!" Louis yells. "I know!" we hear Zayn say. 

Josh looked at me & cocked an eyebrow. I look over to Harry who looks a little scared. The rest of the boys looked confused. "Wonder what he did." Josh says. "Who knows." Harry says. I rest my head on Josh's shoulder . Louis & Zayn walk into the living room. Louis looks at me with wide eyes & I shake my head. "What are you guys looking at, go eat." Josh says. They all nod & go get food. 

Niall comes back with at least five slices on his plate & the rest of the boys come back with one or two. Once I finish mine, Josh asks for another piece, so I get up to go get him one. I was about to walk out when I feel a hand grab my wrist & pull me into the hallway. 

"What do you want?" I ask. Zayn just looked at me. "I'm sorry." he says. "Whatever." I say, trying to walk back. "Wait." "What?" I ask. "I wasn't lying." he says. "Zayn, I don't have time for this." I say. "Just look me in the eyes & say you don't mean it anymore." he says. "I can't deal with you right now." I say & walk away. 

I don't know. That kiss made everything change, I swore to myself I didn't love him anymore, but ugh. I feel like I've been waiting for that kiss my whole life. I loved Josh though. He was always there for me. He never forgot to call me, or text me, he wouldn't ditch our plans, he was there for me. Unlike Zayn who completely forgot about me. I can't let these feelings for Zayn get in the way. Josh was mine & I'm not changing that. 

I sat next to Josh & handed him his food. "Thankya babe." he said with a smile. I kissed his cheek as he put his arm around my waist. I loved Josh, I don't need anyone to think they can change that because they won't. I smile at him & kiss his cheek as he ate his pizza like a slob. 

"Hey..I think I should get going." Zayn says from the back of the room. All the boys knew what was going on. "Yeah, we all should get going, we gotta be up early tomorrow to get back to the studio!" Liam says. "Yeah, see ya tomorrow Joshy & y/n." They all say. "Have some more fun tonight!" Louis yells. "Yeah get some Joshypoo!" Niall yells. 

Once all the boys leave Josh just looks at me. "What?" I ask. "What happened with Zayn today?" he asks. "Nothing." I say, but see I've known Josh for so long he knew when I was lying. "I know you're lying." he says. "Really it's nothing." I say. "If it's nothing just tell me." he says. "Just know..I didn't want this to happen, but he kissed me." I say.