Holding C.H

Part 1

Calum wakes up with sweat running down his bare back.
For a second he is confused, not knowing what caused his panic and his sudden awaken.
Then he remembers, he remembers his own blood curling screams, the tears that he nearly drowned in, the pain he felt.
The second nightmare he had this night, the second time he had to see his best friend and lover die.
Calum sits up, leaning his back against the headboard, closing his eyes and pressing a hand to his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat.
When he finally calms down, he opens his eyes again, it takes a little for them to get adjusted to the dark and when they do, he sees the outlines of Ashton's sleeping body.
His chest rises slightly with every breath he takes and Calum gently runs his fingers through Ashton's hair.
"Ashton is well", he whispers. Reassuring himself that it was only a nightmare.
There is no way he is going back to sleep, scared to wake Ashton, Calum silently watches his boyfriend sleep.
But the urge to go outside and have a cigarette overwhelms him and eventually he climbs out of the bed, taking one last look at the sleeping boy that Calum loves so much.
The hallway is dimly light and he makes his way out on to the balcony, a package of cigarettes in his hand.
His hands are still shaky from the events of his dreams so it takes a few attempts for him to light a cigarette.
Smoke fills his lungs and clouds his mind, he can stop his spinning thoughts, the constant worry about Ashton and he relaxes, leaning against the railing of the balcony, looking out over the city.
Him and Ashton had bought the appartment together, knowing that after all that happened on tour, they could not live apart from each other.
Ashton agreed to go to therapy but things aren't better.
He is still struggling, the darkness still owns big chunks of his mind and every morning Calum wonders if it's the happy or the depressed Ashton that wakes up next to him.
Calum does everything to keep Ashton safe, hiding the keys to the rooms, locking away razors and watching his every move.
Only when Calum is close to him, holding him, he can now for sure that Ashton is okay.
He couldn't forgive himself if something would happen to him, not again.
Calum was blind the last time, Ashton did reach out to him, asking him to hold Ashton but Calum failed.
Ashton fell and Calum wasn't there to catch him.
Tears burn in his dark eyes, he is exhausted. Sleeping doesn't bring him relief from how tired he is, every night those nightmares haunt him, showing him what he could have lost.
Calum presses the bud of his cigarette into the ashtray and immediately lights a new one.
Ashton doesn't like when Calum smokes that much, but Calum can't help it.
Calum swore himself that he would do anything to make sure Ashton is okay, no matter the price he has to pay.