Holding C.H

Part 5

Sleep doesn't come easy for Calum, especially after a fight with Ashton.
He sits on the small balcony, legs drawn to his chest, a cigarette between his plump lips and a glass of alcohol placed on the table in front of him.
Of course he is tired, exhausted and all he wants is a night of good sleep but there is just no way for him to sleep for more than a few hours, without nightmares haunting him.
Cars are honking in the distance and he can see a young couple stumble down the street.
High on love, intoxicated simply by the touch of the other.
The light of the street lamps illuminates their faces from time to time until they disappear into the shadows, giggling and exchanging longing kisses.
How jealous Calum is. That couple could be him and Ashton.
If only Ashton didn't have a demon living in his mind and if only Calum didn't have to rely on the cigarettes and alcohol to get through the day.
Suddenly his jealousy and sadness shifts to anger.
Why does his Ashton have to suffer from these horrible mental illnesses, why does he, Calum, have to drop everything and take care of him?
He doesn't understand, the world is too unfair and he feels overwhelmed, overwhelmed with the task of having to  care for the man he loves more than himself.
Calum would do anything for Ashton, and if that means he needs to down more bottles of alcohol, smoke cigarettes until his lungs turn black like the midnight sky, than he will do it.
His phone buzzes in his pocket.
Ashton.

"I love you. I am sorry. I always fuck things up!"
"I can't sleep without you holding me"

It's 3.a.m. and Calum is tipsy, he is still angry and so incredibly frustrated but his mind is clouded from the alcohol and the cigarettes so he trots inside.
He changes out of his green hoodie and discards his jeans before he enters the dimly lit bedroom.
Ashton is buried under the duvet, his curls lay flat against the white linen, the blue light of his phone screen is the only source of light.
For a split second Calum wonders whether he had just imagined the messages but Ashton lowers his phone and gives him a crooked, tired smile.
" 'm sorry", both boys mumble at the same time and Calums muscles relax.
Ashton decides to ignore the smell of smoke and alcohol that seems to radiate off of Calums tan body.
He doesn't want to get into another fight, not today.
Ashton knows that it is his fault, the drinking and smoking. Ashton is a burden, he always has been and now Calum is left to take care of him.
Calum hopes that Ashton can't smell the smoke in his hair or the alcohol in his breath when he pecks his boyfriends forehead.
He is too tired to fight with Ashton, too tired to explain himself and his self destructive coping mechanism.
Both boys are lost in their thoughts, all they want to do is protect the other, both are willing to go to the ends of the world to assure that the other one is safe.
"Please don't ever leave me", Ashton's voice is barely audible but Calum hears him and shuffles around until he faces the smaller boy.
"I won't", he mumbles, ashamed.
The thought of leaving his boyfriend crosses his mind more and more these days.
Another reason why Calum downs bottles of alcohol like they are sodas.
He doesn't want to leave the boy he loves, but the spark they once head is slowly burning out.
Calum feels horrible, when he looks into Ashton's terrified eyes, he sees how much he needs Calum.
"I love you", Calum gently strokes Ashtons soft cheek.
It's not a lie that Calum loves Ashton but he begins to wonder whether loving Ashton is enough to safe him.