Holding C.H

Part 2

Calum sits at the kitchen table, a coffee in his hand, black with a shot of rum, that's how he drinks it now.
He just finished making breakfast for Ashton, following the meal plan that his nutritionist gave them, making sure that Ashton gains back the weight he lost but in a healthy way.
Calum usually eats Ashtons left overs, he can't be bothered to make himself food too.
"Morning", Ashton slowly walks out of their shared bedroom, his hair messy, his voice raw and laced with sleep.
Calum smiles, no need to put on a fake smile when he sees Ashton, there is always this bubbly feeling in his body when he sees the hazel eyed boy.
"Did you sleep well?", Ashton presses a kiss on Calum's curls before he takes a seat across from him.
Calum nods, no need to worry Ashton, he doesn't tell him about his nightmares.
Ashton would hate himself for causing Calum's nightmares , he would spiral back down into self loathing and Calum can't let that happen,  not when Ash is just starting to get better.
While Ashton eats his breakfast, slowly like always, Calum watches him, making sure he doesn't hide any of his food.
It's what his therapist had told him, he told him to watch Ashton and that's what he does.
He felt offended at first when the young therapist told him to take care of Ash, of course he takes care of him, no one needs to tell him to do so.
"What are you drinking?", Ashton asks after he swallowed a piece of toast and Calum lies before he even realises.
"Just coffee, tried a little of a new creamer that's why it smells a little off".
Ashton doesn't seem suspicious but Calum feels ashamed.
Day drinking is something he does on a daily base now, and Ashton doesn't know.
No one knows.
It is better that way, he's got it under control, no need to worry anyone.
He is fine, functions when he has his spiked coffee, a few beers at lunch, maybe a glass of whiskey or some mixed drink with vodka at dinner.
Smoking a few cigarettes when Ashton showers or when he is at therapy.
Calum tries to minimize his smoking in front of Ashton, knowing that his boyfriend would love to just rip the cigarette out of his mouth before he has the chance to even light it.
Ashton told him one night, that he is scared to lose Cal to lung cancer, he had tears in his beautiful eyes when he spoke but Calum can't bring himself to stop.
Maybe one day, when Ashton is better then he might stop smoking and drinking but right now it is the only way he can get through the day.
Ashton is done eating, he doesn't say it but pushes his plate towards Calum, handing him the fork.
He ate less than yesterday and Calum hates that he has to make him eat more or give him one of the supplement drinks he got.
Before he can open his mouth, Ashton pipes up.
"I am sorry, I don't feel hungry today", he timidly speaks and looks down on his hands that he folded in his lap.
Calum sighs and walks around the table to Ashtons chair and kneels down in front of him.
His hands hold on to Ashton's and he sweetly talks to him, how he needs to eat to get better, to get back on stage and perform.
He memorised his speech, he gives it at at least twice a week, saying the same things over and over again.
Calum hates how caring for Ashton has become a routine, something that has to be done.
All he want's is to have a normal relationship with the boy he loves so deeply.