Holding C.H

Part 4

The drive to the supermarket is longer than Calum expected.
He rushes through the aisles, knowing where he needs to go to get what his mind and body yearn for.
Two bottles of vodka, you can't smell it when you mix it with juice, so Ashton won't get suspicious.
When he walks towards the check out, he can hear some girls talking in hushed voices so he lowers his head and quickly pays for the liquor.
During the car ride he smokes some more, knowing that it's the only way to calm his nerves before he faces Ashton again.
Now the guilt comes crashing down on him and his heart beat quickens.
He left Ashton alone, surrounded by the porcelain shards of the plate.
"What did you do?", Calum screams when the severity of the situation finally gets to him.
Ashton could have hurt himself when Calum left, he could be dead by now.
What a selfish prick he is, leaving his broken boyfriend just because he needs a drink.
As fast as he can, Calum rushes back home, parking his car messily before heading up the stairs to the appartment they share.
Ashton is curled up on the couch, hidden away under a soft blanket, there is no trace of the fight, all shards are swept away.
"Ash", Calum is scared to face his boyfriend.
So embarrassed about the way he reacted, Calum needs to be better, he is supposed to take care of Ashton, not make him feel worse.
"I didn't hurt myself, I am not as fucked up as you think I am Calum", Ashton spits without looking up from the TV.
Calums heart sinks, he is glad that Ashton is still alive but he also knows that Ashton is an excellent liar, his illnesses trained him well.
"You need to show me", Calum demands and walks up to the couch, placing his liquor on the kitchen table when he passes it.
"I don't have to do shit Calum, you clearly don't love me, you see me as a burden, as some kind of task you have to do", Ashton's voice is shaking when he speaks.
Calum kneels down in front of the couch, reaching for Ashtons hand but he pulls away.
"Please", Calum begs.
He is exhausted and he still wants a drink.
"You know that this is your illness talking, I love you Ash, so please show me your arms and legs", Calums voice is shaking too.
He hates to do this, he hates that he has to be Ashtons boyfriend and caretaker at the same time.
Of course he loves Ashton and he wants nothing more than for him to get better, for Ashton to have a normal relationship with food, to be able to live without feeling the pressure of everything.
But it's hard for Calum to walk the fine line between an overprotective boyfriend and overstepping Ashton's boundaries.
"Fine", Ashton huffs and shrugs of the blanket, sitting up.
He dosen't make any move to lift his shirt or show Calum his thighs so Calum starts undressing him.
There is nothing romantic or sexual to this, Ashton feels like a stubborn toddler and Calum feels like he is taking away every little bit of privacy that Ashton has.
"See I didn't lie Calum", Ashton's eyes have a dangerous shimmer in them, something they rarely have.
"I'm sorry I-", Calum begins but Ashton cuts him off.
"You don't trust me, you don't trust me with fucking anything Calum", he angrily yells and gets up.
"How am I supposed to trust you? I don't know who I am talking to! My loving boyfriend or the demon that lives in his mind and takes all the good memories away from him", Calum didn't mean to yell, he hates yelling at Ashton but there is just no more power left in him to fight the anger.
"I'm going to bed".
Ashton doesn't know what to say to Calum anymore, he knows that he is being difficult but breaking a habit like restricting food is exhausting and hard.
Calum just don't understand how hard it is for Ashton.
Calum is angry that Ashton walks away from a fight, knowing that it isn't fair to be angry at the hazel eyed boy.
Usually they talk about their fights, calmly and then they cuddle until Ashton falls asleep.
But tonight Calum is too tired to follow Ash into the bedroom, hold him until Ashton breaks and both of them apologize.
Ashton just doesn't understand how hard it is for Calum.