Holding C.H

Part 6

Everyday Calum and Ashton follow the same routine.
Calum gets up in the early hours of the day, after tossing and turning in his sleep.
Ashton stays in bed, too drained and too tired to get up.
While Calum prepares breakfast for Ashton according to his meal plan, he pours himself his first drink, mixing it with juice, masking the alcoholic smell.
During breakfast, Calum watches his boyfriend, on a good day they chat about their plans for the day, Ashton let's out an adorable giggle from time to time that makes Calum smile widely.
On a bad day, Ashton doesn't speak a single word, he is focused on the food.
His mind is occupied with the intrusive thoughts of his eating disorder, the demon screaming at him to just give up the tiring fight.
"Are you drinking?", Ashton rests his head on Calums shoulder and Calum jumps a little, he didn't hear him coming into the kitchen so he is caught of guard.
He knows that there is no point in denying it, Ashton can clearly see the bottle of clear alcohol sat on the kitchen counter, next to the fried eggs and freshly cut strawberries.
"Only a little", Calum admits and when Ashton silently grabs his plate and wanders off to the living room, Calum knows that he disappointed his boyfriend.
He downs the drink, ignores the burning in his throat that has become such a familiar feeling to him, and pours himself yet another drink.
"Thank you for making me breakfast", Ashton smiles but it doesn't reach his hazel eyes.
Calum pretends that he doesn't notice that, so he just takes a seat next to Ashton.
"Luke called, we have a songwriting session scheduled for today", Ashton mumbles between two bites and Calum nods.
They haven't seen any of their friends after their tour ended, Calum was too occupied with caring for Ashton and Ashton was too occupied with getting better.
"Did I get fat?", Ashton suddenly blurts out and Calum violently shakes his head.
"No Ashton, you are getting back to a healthy weight, you are getting your energy and happiness back", he responds.
Most of the times he gets annoyed at his boyfriends stupid questions but today he sees the sadness in his eyes and how scared he is to face his two best friends again.
Calum is scared to see Michael and Luke again too, scared that they might pick up on his drinking habit or his excessive smoking.
Ashton let's him be, of course he tells Calum to stop but then he drops the subject again, not wanting to fight with Calum because he is the one that is taking care of him.
"It's going to be alright, they are our best friends Ash", Calum smiles, not sure if his words are supposed to calm Ashton or himself down.
Ashton finishes more of his food than he had the previous day and Calum happily eats the, now cold, leftover egg and a couple of the strawberries.
"I'll take a quick shower", Calum announces and leaves Ashton to wash up the dishes.
When they were younger they used to joke about taking showers together but now Ashton is too insecure of his own body to get into the shower with Calum, butt naked in the broad daylight.
Calum misses intimate moments with Ashton, admiring his boyfriends body without him hiding away.
They haven't had sex in weeks and if they get a little touchy with each other, it was always in the pitch dark.
Oh how much Calum misses his boyfriend, his happy Ashton.
Before they started dating, when they were just friends, when Ashton didn't have a single bad thought occupying his mind and Calum didn't need the alcohol to make him happy.
When all they did was goof around, both of them secretly in love with the other, flirting shamelessly when Luke and Michael weren't around but both too afraid to make a move.
The water has turned cold, Calum had been in the shower for too long but he hadn't even notice.
"I packed a snack for lunch", Ashton pecks Calums cheek when he walks out of the bathroom and water droplets from his dark curls fly onto Ashtons shirt.
"Good job", Calum had learned that he needs to reassure Ash on every little step that he takes in the direction of recovery.
Calums hand rests on Ashtons knee during the car ride, he knows that Ash is nervous and insecure and it also calms Calum to feel his boyfriend close.
Luke's house that he shares with his girlfriend Sierra is close so it only takes them about 15 minutes to get there, despite the L.A. traffic during rush hour.
Michael and Luke know well enough not to comment on Ashton's appearance, Calum hat specifically told them not to, so they both just happily wrap their arms around the other two band members.
Luke holds on to Ashton a little longer than he usually would, he missed his best friend more than he'd like to admit.
Ashton feels that Luke is tense so he doesn't say anything and he just holds the youngest member of the band and ignores the fact that Luke's blonde curls tickle his nose.
Calum watches Luke interact with Ashton and his heart jumps a little, wishing that he could ask both Luke and Michael for help to care of Ashton.
But Calum doesn't dare to ask them, he doesn't want to make Ashton feel like a burden, plus Calum has never liked to admit that he needs help, with anything.
Michael gently places a hand on Calums back and leads him to the living room.
"Are you okay Cal?", he gently asks and is afraid of the answer.
Calum doesn't look okay, his dark eyes are sunken in and have even darker circles around them, he has lost weight and the way he holds himself is completely different than it was, just a month ago.
Michael anxiously waits for Calum to speak and when their eyes meet there are no words needed.
Of course Calum isn't okay, what a silly thing to ask.