Holding C.H

Part 8

Nightmares make it impossible for Calum to sleep, they have become worse now that Ashton is gone.
When Calum wakes with a tight feeling in his chest he reaches for Ashton but his fingers are met with the soft bedding of Michaels guest bed.
Sweat drenched his dark curls and he feels hot and trapped inside so Calum quietly sneaks out of the guest room and slides open the screen doors that lead out into the garden.
The crisp air causes Calum to shiver but he enjoys how it cools down his heated body.
A cigarette is now placed between his lips and he watches the smoke rise into the dark sky.
He misses Ashton, Calum blames himself for everything that happened at Luke's place and if he could, he'd turn back the time in a heartbeat.
The broken and hurt expression on Ashton's face is burned into Calums mind and it is all he ever thinks about.
It's been a week since the incident, a week without speaking to Ashton, a week with secret swigs from bottles hidden under Michael's guest bed.
Calum doesn't know what to do with himself when Ashton isn't around, he has stopped caring about himself too long ago, Ashton was the only thing that kept him functioning and now Calum is like an unloved toy, useless and broken.
A soft "Hey", startles Calum and he nearly drops his cigarette on his bare feet.
Crystal carefully approaches Calum and guides him to the plastic bench, reaching for the blanket she brought outside and gently placing it over his shoulders.
They don't speak, Calum finishes his cigarette and pulls the blanket tighter around himself, pretending that it's Ashton holding him close.
"Please let us help you Cal", she breaks the silence after a while and places a small hand on Calums arm.
The small gesture breaks him, the gentle touch breaks down the fragile walls around Calums heart.
He lets out a heart wrenching sob and all the emotions he had been hiding for months suddenly flow out.
Crystal wraps her arms around his shaking body, trying her best to console the broken boy but nothing seems to work.
Screams leave his mouth, pained screams that tell the world how much Calum Hood is hurting.
Michael rushes outside after hearing his best friends desperate cries and replaces Crystals arms with his.
The couple stays with Calum, taking turns in holding his shaking body and when his river of tears dries up and his cries turn into silent pleas, Michael carries him inside.
Crystal wipes away the tears on her own cheeks and prepares a tea for Calum, giving Michael time to talk to him.
"Please talk to me Cal"
Calum doesn't recall a time where he ever heard Michael's voice sound so soft and broken.
"I don't know what to do, I am such a fuck up, I can't even take care of my boyfriend and now I am a burden to you and Crystal", Calum begins to talk after he realises that Michael won't give in, not after witnessing Calum break down like this.
So he continues, his mouth won't stop talking once he started, he shares everything with Michael and Crystal, the way he can't sleep without having horrific nightmares of Ashton dying in his arms, how drinking alcohol and smoking an excessive amount of cigarettes is the only way he can get through the day.
Finally he admits that he might not be able to care for Ashton and saying it out loud breaks Calums heart all over again.
"You are not alone in this Cal", Crystal smiles softly and Michael nods.
"We are a family, we won't let you go through hell alone".
When Calum is back in the guest room he hears a knock on the door.
Michael walks in and without saying a word he climbs under the duvet, shuffling around until he get's comfortable.
It reminds Calum of the times where one of them got homesick on tour, all four of them used to climb into one bed, talking until they all fell asleep.
"I miss him", Calums voice breaks and Michael reaches for his hand, giving it a little squeeze.
It hurts Michael to see Calum suffer like this but he knows that he needs time to heal before he can take care of Ashton again.
"You aren't alone in this", Michael is concerned, he knows how stubborn Calum can be.
"I know", Calum mumbles with tears in his eyes, glad that the room is too dark for Michael to see them.
He is so grateful for both Michael and Crystal but unable to voice his gratitude.
When Calum falls back asleep, there are no nightmares haunting him and he can finally catch up on some much needed sleep.
Michael on the other hand stays awake, making sure that Calum is soundly asleep before he creeps around the room looking for the liquor bottles that Calum mentioned.