Holding C.H

Part 3

Ashton moves carefully through the living room, Calum can hear him.
He isn't sleeping, of course he isn't, nightmares don't only come at night, they come whenever he tries to get some rest.
"I'm awake, no need to sneak around", his voice is rough and Ashton kneels down in front of the couch, grabbing his face.
"You don't look too good", he frowns at the dark circles under his boyfriends eyes.
Calum shakes his head and takes Ashton's hands in his, telling him that he is fine, and that they need to have lunch now anyway.
Ashton's face falls, he dosen't want to have lunch today.
His mirror showed him horrid images of him getting bigger and bigger and he just can't have lunch today.
Calum sees the battle behind his boyfriends eyes.
"Please don't fight this Ashton", he begs and drags him to the kitchen, sitting him down on one of the bar stools.
Ashton doesn't respond, he scratches his skin on his wrist until it starts to bleed.
When Calum notices he roughly grabs his hands again, making Ashton yelp in pain.
Calum has always been stronger than him and with his weight loss he had also lost a lot of his muscles.
"Stop this Ashton", Calum growls, he sounds threatening and Ashton hates it.
He never talks to him like this.
Calum sees the hurt in Ashton's beautiful eyes and he places a kiss on his forehead.
"I am sorry baby, I am just exhausted, it is too hot today", he murmurs before he turns around to prepare the meal that is on the plan for today.
None of them speak, it is an uncomfortable silence, both of them hate it but they don't know what to say.
Calum knows that he needs to get his shit together, he might lose Ashton if he doesn't.
Ashton is worried that he is too much to handle for Calum, a broken boy that needs to be put together, piece by piece.
Lunch is silent, they decided to eat in front of the TV, but Calum doesn't even know what show is playing, his eyes glued to Ashton.
Like always he makes sure that Ashton eats, that he doesn't hide any of the food.
"You don't need to watch me Cal, I won't do anything", Ashton snaps suddenly and startles Calum.
He never snaps at him, but to be fair, Calum snapped at Ashton too.
"I do Ashton, because I don't know if I am talking to Ashton or your eating disorder", Calum slowly says and Ashton drops his plate to the floor.
Shards fly everywhere and Ashton regrets his actions, scared to look at Calums face he stares at the broken plate and his hands start to shake.
He is so tempted to just take a piece and hurt himself with it, today he is struggling and giving in to his urges seems so much more tempting than fighting.
Calum stares at the shards, knowing that he said something insensitive and that he hurt Ashton again, he is supposed to hold him and make sure he is fine but instead he keeps making mistakes.
Not knowing how to handle the situation, Calum leaves the flat.
He doesn't think about that possibility that Ashton could hurt himself with the broken plate, Calum needs a cigarette, or two and a drink.
The rest of his last bottle of hard liquor went into his morning coffee and if he is going  to help Ashton, he needs something to lift his spirits.