Take Flight

Nil

Light is softly killing me.

Should have I ever let it in if I knew, deep in my heart, that it would eventually shatter my heart and my body into millions of insignificant pieces ? Darkness is all that I used to long for, it fed me, it kept the last bits of soul I could recognize as mine, but the human mind is ravenous, starveling for different, so different and unknown states of mind. And feelings.

I wanted more. I yearned for more than my dark and sweet shelter, my coat of loneliness, I wished for the whirling to stop. I wished for the one I saw as a violent pain, a dangerous and treacherous murderer to get in. I let it shield my frail body and soul from what I had been satisfied bathing in for as long as I can remember.

And slowly the threatening light softened, and as it did, my beloved darkness faded away, leaving me alone to wander in this new found space, however comforting it got days after day. Each day I would swim in this gleaming ocean, and each day would feel like drowning until I felt it clearing me in its sweetness. Finally I knew why I had succumbed to the one thing I feared the most, what I thought to be deceitful and fake.

My heart started beating in my chest again, waking my body up, filling my veins with a furious flood of blood. If it hurt as it took off, it never felt so incredibly liberating, as if finally I could live, and not hide and drown myself into the nothingness I knew too well. I used to think I could only long for this nothingness, but I was only scared to fall. Stay low, don't go up and you won't fall. I only saw light as a fake hope, a disguised misfortune, an empty promise that would only disappear as I try to seize it. And what hurt is greater than falling back from too high ? I kept low, raging without even knowing it in my dark and lonely bath of nil.

That was the right path too take. Light is a killer. Darkness is my home. I fell. And I keep on falling. It's nothing like the dizziness floating into the blackness I used to cherish gave me, it's brutal falling, the air around seems to want to harm me, and suddenly all i can feel is pain. All I can feel is the fire in my veins. But is this what is hurting me ?

I let it spread inside my body like I'm watching my own life from the passenger seat. Control is fake and if it wasn't it would've exploded already, burying me deep with it. My blood is burning me and I wish it could make me disappear. My heartbeat sounds slower. Darkness takes its place again.

My body seems to be falling back to its initial state, flying away, floating, swirling in the great ocean that's nothingness. As much as I wanted believe it would erase the touch of the light I tasted, deep down I knew that was how it would happen ; this state I've longed for my whole life now seems unknown to me, changed. My mind wants to scream how I am now safe but my heart slowing down it's pace doesn't reassure me anymore.

I was right about light's disguise. When it felt like a kiss it was a cruel bite in the crease of my neck. That what was inevitably going to happen, but how blind the soft lights made me. I miss the emptiness I used to feel in my heart, now it's wickedly heavy, full of poison now coursing through my veins. Any second I feel like my entire being could blow up in the dark and disappear, vanish from the world, as well as the memories. I was right.

Light is softly killing me.