Take Flight

Nightfall

Darkness is my home.

Out of all the things I've seen, it's the quiet place of a black hole, infinite, undefined, and the loneliness that comes with it, they put me at peace. I can feel my heart beat again, slowed down, could it get any slower, has it really stopped or do I feel like it stopped because it used to hit me like a bird's never-faltering wings ? The nothingness in here even puts my heart at peace.

I don't want to see the light again. The burning, stabbing, killer light, any stars around they'd try to rip my skin off my bones, forever lost in the infinity of the place - if only I could call it a place, more like a shelter - I've been floating in for so long, only has it been any longer than a few seconds ? How could I know, and even longer it would never be enough. The light is gonna come back, and get me out of this state I've longed for for so long now.

As mesmerizing as light can sound or may appear, it is a killer, to me. My soul has become so dark everything I can do to keep myself alive is to avoid that killer. Sometimes I fear - if I even know what fear is - that if I let it in by any means, it would destroy me, faking a feeling of warmth, so unreal but how could I discern that difference ?

The dark keeps me away from the killer, my killer. What's ever been more beautiful than darkness ? Open your eyes and stop looking for anything, appreciate the fact there is nothing to look at. The world stops moving then and you with it, I yearn for this feeling. The freeing feeling of nothingness. My heart slows down, I only can feel a the smallest of beating in my chest and soon enough it feels like it stops. The blood in my veins seems to freeze, it stops running it's sometimes unbearable course, and the dizziness it gives me somehow gives me life. My brain slowly loses control over my body, malfunctioning, not functioning, it leaves my body floating in the unknown, unable to react, unable to move.

That is the nothingness I want in me any second, the most exceptional feeling ever, yet indescribable, if only you could tell what having your body torn apart from you is. Black empty but fulfilling darkness gives it to me. It's not selfish, but so giving I could drown. I want to drown, please let me drown, bathing at peace in this ocean of darkness. Don't let the light come close to me, only I see it coming, I can see it so clearly and why that should make me scared. It's the killer. It's my savior. My brain stops I can't see which one it is. But I know it's coming.

As small as a grain of dust, but already so bright, full of hopes and desires, attracting me so much it hurts. I don't wanna fall into it, I know it's my killer and darkness feels like the right place to be, always, forever. But it keeps on getting closer and closer, and in a blink of an eyes I already can see it growing. This small light, once so cold seems to get this sense of warmth I've never seen or even imagined before. So tempting but yet so frightening.

I feel it coming so close to me now, ready to burn me, to suck me dry. I can almost feel it enfolding me in it's beautifully fearsome aura, and if before I would've thought it was chasing me, now I don't know if I should be as scared anymore. It looks so tempting, attracting me, catching me almost and I feel so close to give up on my darling darkness.

But I can't. Light is a killer in disguise. How could I know ? Do I know anything at all ? Is that that I am so far deep in my darkness, everything I see is black and my thoughts were gradually smothered by it ? Don't your desires consume you ?

No I can't. I know better than than yo step away from the place where I feel the safest. No matter how attractive the brightest of lights may be I should know how it could never compare to the feeling or the numbness darkness gives to me. As soon as I'm away, hidden, drowned, nothing can hurt me, the killer is far away, I won't let it destroy what is left of me, as small of a soul as it can be. There I can be alive again when my heart stops.

Darkness is my home.