Secrets I have held in my heart (part 1)

Chapter 39: Recovering

The following days, I had skipped some of my classes whenever I felt too empty. Snape loved to pick on me when I was on the verge of tears. The smallest things made me break down, an incorrect answer on my homework, the smell of the fire in the common room or even putting too much ink on my quill.

George hadn't said anything since the encounter. He was completely ignoring me and showering Olivia with attention, especially when I was around. I was so confused. This was way out of character, I couldn't think of how much I still loved him without feeling like I was going to suffocate. Had everything he said in the past all had been a lie? Nothing was making sense and Olivia being with George wasn't helping. Fred had even told me that George was avoiding any conversation with him, saying he was acting strange. 

In the back of my head, I couldn't help but think that maybe he had been poisoned by a love potion but a strong brew was incredibly difficult to make or even buy, how had Olivia done it anyways? I knew Malfoy had something to do with it and I wished I had the energy to interrogate him but waking up everyday was draining enough. Everything in my room was a reminder of him, the portrait he had made for Christmas which Hermione had locked inside her closet, my Walkman and the cassettes, I had put them under the bed because every song came with a  different memory, and I still had one of his jumpers, it wasn't the one with his initial, he had given that one to Olivia, who wore it everyday to see him in Quidditch practice. 

Days passed to weeks and we were now in late April. The Quidditch final was going to take place in May. I had gone to practice every night without failure. Even if it was painful to having him ignore me completely. Everyone around us was also shocked by what had happened, even Oliver wasn't being too harsh on me. Angelina and Katie were furious though and had stopped talking to him but that didn't affect him much either.

One night, I was in the common room, it was right after practice. Hermione was just as gloomy as I was. Buckbeak had been given his sentence, he was due to be executed in June and all her research she had done, even while I had been absent, felt like it had been chucked in the trash. One good thing that had come out all of this was that Ron was now on speaking terms with Hermione so this meant the four of us were back together. 

Hermione was scratching on the parchment quickly, trying to get through her homework so she could study for our exams. I was trying to prioritise school but I felt distracted all the time. I could hardly concentrate and my results on my schoolwork was a clear reflection of my mood.

'Edwards, lets go to my dorm' said Fred annoyed, he was sitting with us since George was too busy trying to eat out Olivia's face in the common room.

I followed right behind him, he had supported me so much during these weeks. Taking me to his dorm to study when the smacking was obnoxiously loud, helping me with homework even if he hated doing his own, pulling dumb pranks on Filch so I could at least laugh. He was such a great friend and he was actually helping me get better but I still had days where my heart ached too much and not even Fred's jokes couldn't cheer me up.

'what are you studying today?' he asked, stretching out the bed sheets so that I could sit on his bed

'I don't really want to study right now ' I mumbled, dropping the books on the floor and slumping on the bed, my head in between my hands

He sat next to me and took my hands off of my face.

'you can talk to me, what's bothering you?' he asked, he knew what was bothering me but sharing it helped more than keeping it in my head, where it would just eat me up until I could no longer function

'I just wish I had told him, you know? Maybe that would have changed things, maybe I could've avoided this situation' I confessed, in my head it made sense, but as I said it, I realised I was being too ambiguous

'told him what?' he asked, he didn't want to push too hard, I knew that, but maybe it was time I said it, maybe it was time to let go and move on

'that I loved him' I said quietly because I felt my eyes sting and also because it wasn't in the past, 

'that I still love him and no matter what he does, I will still do' I admitted, the first tear already rolling down my cheek

His face softened in sympathy and he gave me a hug. No words could really mend me right now. So as I cried in his shirt, he kept his silence. We remained in an embrace until I heard them laugh quietly and crash into George's bed.

'I think I'll go now' I whispered 'thank you Freddie'

'I wish I could leave too' he commented, looking repulsed at them

'come to my dorm then' I suggested 'I hardly sleep anymore so you can sleep in my bed'

'you sure?'

'yeah of course, let's go before they start snogging' I laughed over the hiccups that came from crying

I took my stuff and Fred did too, the common room was now empty so I figured Ginny and Hermione would be in bed. Nevertheless, I knocked just in case so we wouldn't walk on them getting changed. By the sound of Ginny's grunt, it was safe to say they were already in bed and trying to sleep.

'just leave your robes over there' I pointed at the empty chair besides the wardrobe

We got inside the bed at first quite awkwardly, there was nothing romantic about a relationship. He was just my friend and he felt the same way so laying next to each other in the dark should've been easy enough. Eventually I turned to face him, he wasn't asleep just yet and was looking at me.

'your room definitely smells nicer than mine' he joked, trying to break the ice

I began cracking up and had to pull the blanket over my mouth to not wake the rest up. 

'you know exactly what to say don't you, Weasley?'

'don't Weasley me, Edwards, you won't come out of that one winning'

'oh shut up' I said playing along but I could see that even in our banter, his eyes looked sad.

I hadn't really noticed before and now I felt selfish for not asking him how he felt about his brother ignoring him.

'Fred, you can talk to me too' I said more seriously 'I haven't asked you enough and he's your brother after all, I can't imagine how it feels'

He dropped his grin and his face now accompanied his eyes. He was looking distraught, I had never really seen him like this.

'please talk to me Fred' I said, 'you can trust me'

'I miss him Edwards' he said, biting his lip because he didn't want to cry 

'he's my own brother and he won't even talk to me, I feel like I've lost him'

I felt equally as pained but I wanted to be strong like he was with me whenever I cried. I did what he did with me when the words spoken would make no difference. I wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him, allowing him to cry in the privacy of my shoulder. I could feel his body shake as he cried silently which just tore me even further. He was just as broken as I was and we had no idea how to deal with it.