Secrets I have held in my heart (part 1)

Chapter 20: remorse

Hermione came in the room some time after I had slammed shut the dorm door. I was laying on the bed, curled under the blankets. I couldn't believe I had kissed Malfoy. Now I was confused, did I feel something for Draco? Was this just a plan to break me even further? I didn't even know. I didn't want to think about it but I hated the warm feeling I had felt when our lips connected and I couldn't stop replaying our kiss and George's kiss with Olivia, which swelled me with jealousy.

'y/n?' said Hermione, her voice muffled from the blankets that were covering my head

I didn't feel like replying. I knew if I told her, she would hate me for it but I owed it to her. She had told me some of her secrets and I had told her mine, and we never judged each other.

'I'm under here' I said

'I know you're under there dummy' she said, trying to make me feel better

'I need to tell you something' I said, lifting the sheets and revealing my face. Truth was, I was terrified.

'what happened? Are you hurt?' she looked at me frightened

'no, no' I assured her 'but promise me you won't get mad'

'I won't, promise'

'I went to the Astronomy Tower and Malfoy followed me there. One thing led to another and he kissed me, and I kissed him back' I said quickly, every word being more quiet than the next

Hermione opened her eyes in alarm. 

'I'm sorry' I began to apologise 'I know I shouldn't have and I was angry and jealous, I couldn't stop myself'

'y/n, it's okay' she said calmly 'as long as you're okay'

'so you aren't mad?' I said, looking at her intently

'why would I be mad?' she said laughing 'I mean yes, it's Malfoy but you need to let go. George has been giving you hell for months now, it was time you did something for yourself'

'thank god Hermione' I exhaled in relief 'I thought you were going to kill me or something'

'oh I am if you even consider going out with him' she said 'but... why don't you take advantage of it' she said mischievously 

'what do you mean?' I asked intrigued

'well, Olivia is obviously rubbing her relationship with George in your face and George isn't doing anything to stop it, is he?' she said, looking furious

'Granger, are you implying that I should make George jealous?' I said amused

'well, you said it first' she said with a sly grin

'I can't believe what I'm hearing' I said, looking at her amazed 'but I can't do that to George or Draco, I don't want to make things worse' I added feeling guilty

'look y/n, George doesn't seem to care how you feel and Draco has hurt all of us, it's time you get your payback' she said seriously

'I'm not sure' I said, still not convinced 'what if-'

'nope, I'm not taking any what ifs, you have to get over George. He's making you upset and I hate it. Now is your time to shine Edwards, show him what he's missing'

I looked at Hermione in shock, I had never heard her be so direct or even spiteful but I liked this plan. The rest of the night I spent it with Hermione, she completed her homework down in the common room while I helped her do some of her work, despite her continuous objections. 

At one point at midnight George and Olivia made an appearance, sitting together on the couch close to where we were sitting. Hermione and I looked at each other when Olivia kept trying to get closer to George and kiss him, making us burst out in laughter. We had to move upstairs because we couldn't suppress our giggles. I quickly glanced at George before going behind the pillar that lead to the girls staircase, he wasn't looking at Olivia, he was looking at me, carrying a pained looked that nearly tore my heart but I knew that I could better. I rolled my eyes at him and ran behind Hermione, who was still laughing.

'oh. my. god' said Hermione, imitating Olivia's desperate look to get George's attention

'shh, Hermione, Ginny's sleeping' I said trying not to crack up

'you know George was looking at you, right?' she said whispering, we were both now sitting on my bed

'ugh' I added but deep down inside I felt my gut wrench from guilt

'I looked at him before going upstairs and he gave me this look-' I added a bit more soberly 'he looked pained, as if, I don't know but he looked like he didn't want to be there'

'Edwards!' Hermione whispered sharply 'I told you to forget him, see, he's already messing with your head'

'I know but I just can't do the Malfoy thing, I only really need him when I'm at my lowest and I think that I don't even need him then' I said, evading what Hermione had just said

'fine' she said 'but if you're not going to do it, I want you to come find me instead of looking for Malfoy'

'agreed' I said, she was right about that. Hermione returned to her bed and finished her homework while I changed into my pyjamas and slipped into bed, my last thoughts before going to sleep being George.