I'm Just Curious Too: Reconciliation

Chapter 2

What a turn of events. Having to handle my third big project and meeting Fabien after a year and some months of him disappearing on me. It blanked my mind seeing him but I was sure that neither of us wanted to have our personal lives disturb the flow of work. I had to pretend that I wasn't moved by his presence for the sake of work but no moment passed without me looking in his direction. Fabien looked zoned out through the meeting but I saw him jot down notes so maybe it was a bad perception on my part. I was glad to be paired with the charismatic worker in my department. It eradicated the awkwardness that could have ensued if I took command of the meeting.

A part of me shivered when I caught Fabien's' stare on me. My lips couldn't help but pull into the smirk that often led me into trouble in the past. Fabien would always say that it gave away my intentions for misbehaving, but this time, I think it arose with the nerves that twisted my stomach into knots. I had felt relief at the end of the meeting. We were making our way out but my feet grew heavier the closer I got to Fabien, who stood by the door to wait for my exit. When we aligned, I couldn't bear it anymore.

"You look good," I said softly, smiling as the words poured out of me.

I could tell he wasn't quite ready for the interaction. His eyes stayed down before redirecting to the outside of the room.

"Hmm," he sounded. "Thanks. Not too bad yourself."

I took those words and did my best to formulate a conversation from them. I didn't want to leave the moment even though nothing attached us but work. My hands gripped tightly onto the black portfolio that I carried with the notes we had just taken before.

"Thanks. Didn't expect to see you but glad I met you in a suit. You said you liked this kinda thing."

His face reddened at the mention of the memory. There was no way to contain the laugh that leaped out of me. I had to nudge him from his frozen state and thankfully, he laughed too. Seeing his smile complimented by the closing of his eyes had eased the edginess I had been harboring this entire time. For a moment it brought me peace. Then it brought the crashing realization in – I'm still in love with him.

"I'm glad you can still laugh," I said suddenly somber.

I couldn't take it. Fabien looked at me, our eyes locking and his seeking to read more into my one-liner. It was then that I knew I couldn't continue with the conversation. It would be unfair for me to try and unearth a years' worth of thoughts into a moment so I proceeded to walk past him, hoping that we would somehow meet another time outside of obligation. A foolish wish.

...

The day ended with no incidents and only progress. Working at a new company turned out to be a good change of pace from the last place. I was relieved to be challenged for once and supported wholeheartedly by staff from all different walks of life. It was here that I planned to make a career for myself.

I drove home in silence, my mind reliving the situation I had faced and daydreaming a little on what could be. With a stroke of chance, I had Fabien's' number on my phone again. There may be no chance to use it out of work but having it in hand gave me a little hope. Any wrong move could cause him to clam up so I made a mental note to stay away from using it out of office needs.

"Oh, you've made it in good time my love," mom advised as she wrapped an arm around me for a side hug.

I had walked into the kitchen briefly to greet her before making my way upstairs to my room.

After Fabien left, I had relocated back to my parents' house. My father had injured himself and for the sake of protecting the house and assisting, I had resolved to rent out my place and return home. Ericka had gone to university so all I had to look after was the bills and my mom. Dad was kept in good condition from the love of his wife – but the venom of his mouth didn't seem to have died with his pride.

"Did you check on your mother?" he shouted from his room when he saw me walk past the open door.

I backtracked and looked in, meeting the gloomy glare of the man who was now defenseless under the covers of his bed. We had fought for so long that seeing him this way was still something I couldn't come to terms with. No bone in me felt sorry, and no bone in me allowed me to settle that he was no longer a threat. Being empathetic towards him was something I guess I could not achieve. He was kept upright by a back brace and his left leg was in a cast to heal the fracture in his femur.

"Yes," I simply answered with a nod.

"Good. Don't waste time sleeping about."

"I – ugh."

"What?"

"Nothing."

We ended it there. I continued to my room and closed the door, leaning my back on it and taking a deep breath. A cigarette was in order but a bath would be first. My mind couldn't keep focus while fatigue finally kicked in. It had been quite the day and having the unexpected company used up more energy than I had catered for. I looked at my shaky palms and covered my face with them, taking a deep breath to steady myself. The more I thought on today, the more I felt anxious for not doing more and, now, for dawdling. My fathers' words rang in my ears and that is what I used to fuel action. On my feet once more, I continued to move till I had bathed, taken a quick sneak smoke break, and went to help my mother clean up downstairs. She had most of it done as usual, but I could gather that my company was all she wanted. We ended the evening over lemon tea and side cuddles as she spoke about her day and what she planned – occasionally prying for input and my day, which I barely indulged in. Beyond a doubt, she was the best thing to come home to.

"Shaun, you rest well tonight," she ordered as she tip-toed to kiss the left side of my temple.

I ruffled her hair in response, her pixie crop of a cut standing up after the contact. She whacked my arm lightly and walked off, patting down her hair while I laughed. I hesitated to move but hearing her close her door was a sign that no further interactions would happen tonight. My arms lifted to the ceiling as I stretched, letting out a few audible clicks from my joints.

The calm of the room eased me as I moved to my room, turning off all lights on the way, while I felt the itch for another cigarette tickle my throat. Shuffling some papers off my bed and opening the window, I sat on the sill and lit the cigarette. My mother had cautioned me on the health hazards of cigarettes – as if the box didn't have that label – and had ensured that I felt her displeasure. It turned me into hiding so I could avoid the whining.

I guess this is the circus of the month.