I'm Just Curious Too: Reconciliation

Chapter 13

"Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul"

The choir sung worship song after worship song while my mind wandered to other things. Mom and I stood in the last row that was closest to the exit of the church – a habit that formed when my father's injury had taken place. Anytime could be time to go, so we made it a point not to disturb the rest of the congregation with our shuffling.

"Shaun," my mother whispered as she tugged the sleeve of my black shirt. "Do you have a sweet?"

I fished in my pocket for a mint and handed it her, receiving a pat on my arm as thanks. The singing lulled in to prayers before the sermon begun. I sat and stared at my hand. It felt like it was tender where Fabien placed his lips. It had been that way since yesterday. The way he leaned on me, the clothes he wore, the request he made – it felt like having a crush all over again but we had already crossed so many lines so that wouldn't be accurate. Butterflies? No. If I could describe it at all, I would liken it to feeling at home. Having someone other than family willing to share time with you without any other reason but just wanting to is the best feeling. I fisted my hand and snapped out of my daydream when I could feel my lips tug in to a smile.

"We are already in the end days and it is our task to redirect ourselves to align with the Kings' will before we are called."

Ah... Revelations talk. The pastors' speech cut through my train of thought so clearly that the giddy feeling I had had dissipated. He went on and on about how the world is already in its decline and how we are to prepare ourselves, and family – whomever we come across as the evangelical call states – for the coming of the Kingdom. I already knew where I stood on this spectrum and accepted the fact that I fell a deed or more short from heaven. No arguments there. However, the mention of gays, adulterers, fear mongers and the opening of seals and final trumpets didn't leave me unaffected. The sound of the world crashing down made me uneasy – especially when I haven't really come to terms with the shitty cards I have been dealt with. Plus, if churches were meant to convince others that Christ is the One, why are they going out of their way to consistently persecute the people and not the deed as they keep preaching about? My arms folded as I slouched in the chair, my mind clouded by the new string of thoughts that were weighing heavy on me. I was starting to unload the couple of days' worth of issues that were brought by this sudden notice of "the end days." I should have skipped the service and just met with Fabien earlier. Lately, my attendance was only kept up by the need to assist my mother and get some clarity since I stopped going to counselling. Most days the sermon helps but recently it has all been pointing to how short of grace people are becoming and I cannot stand the constant measure. Jack may have stood a chance in all this but from birth, I think the short ends were forever my portion. I cannot recall a moment of my life where things just worked without strenuous effort.

Stop. No.

I can't dwell in this. I've got to think of something else.

A deep inhale and a readjustment of my position helped distract me. It was only a moment's reprieve until the pastor swapped on to broken family units and how men should reinforce themselves with God as lust can destroy them and the like. Yes, there were other comments about women and children but that opener had me stuck in the cesspool of thoughts once again. All good ideals, but never followed. My father is the proof of that lack of knowledge. The fact that he became a father is a question I have for God. The fact that he attends this very same church with these ideals and still remains the same is another questionable act too. I got sidetracked when I saw my mother reach for tissue from her purse to wipe away the tears that fell from her eyes. My hand swiftly wrapped around her in a side hug without hesitation, gaining her smile with a pat on my thigh. Why are we even in this place?