"I want to give you all the love you deserve."
___
Hadley Carter has struggled with her sexuality ever since childhood. She keeps her feelings hidden out of fear of judgement and not being accepted by oth...
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Friday sneaks up on me.
I guess I've lost track of time, or maybe I just haven't been paying attention to much of anything lately. It's been harder than I thought it would be to return home after everything that happened over the summer. It's been harder than I thought it would be to pretend I'm okay when I'm most definitely not. It kills me to act like things are normal, as if this summer was nothing more than a nightmare. Knowing I'm supposed to be going to a party after school with Delaney and the girls only further dampens my mood.
I'd mentioned the party in passing to my mother, hoping she'd refuse to let me go and I would have a valid excuse to give Delaney as to why I wouldn't be showing up tonight. However, deep down I knew my mom wouldn't stop me from going out. She wants me to be as "normal" as I had been before being sent away, so she's always pushing me to socialize and spend time with my friends. Mom thinks that since Delaney is the one who told her I was, well . . . experimenting with girls, that she is a good influence on me. Of course, Mom doesn't care that hanging out with Delaney and being forced to be someone I'm not makes me miserable. All my mother cares about is how other people will view me, and apparently being friends with Delaney and not being gay makes me look better to the public eye.
Walking out of the girls' locker room with Bianca by my side, I snap out of my thoughts. Physical Education is my last class of the day, which I normally consider to be a blessing. Yet today I dread having to go home and get ready to attend a party I don't even want to go to with people I don't even like.
"So what do you think?" Bianca asks. Her questions startles me, breaking me out of my head once more.
Realizing I have no idea what Bianca has just said, I furrow my eyebrows and question, "What?"
"What should I wear tonight?" Bianca repeats. "My red slip dress, or the little black one I got for my sixteenth birthday?"
"Don't you think they're both a little . . . much?" I ask. After all, we're only going to some lame high school party, not a cocktail event.
"Please," Bianca starts to say with a rueful smile, "the reason I want to wear one of the two is because they're not much." She winks, and I can't resist smiling at her joke.
"I'd go with the black," I decide as we take seats at the front row of bleachers in the gymnasium. "It stands out less. In a good way, of course."
"You're right," Bianca agrees. Her expression is thoughtful as she adds, "Plus, Delaney would be pissed if I looked better than her. And red is so my color."
I have to bite back a smile, shaking my head at my friend. Before I have a chance to respond, Coach blows his whistle and announces we will be having yet another class take place outside. I line up with the other students to exit through the large metal doors into the schoolyard, walking with Bianca out to the field.
