Hidden Within

29 | consequences

Surprisingly, the park isn't awfully crowded.

Devon and I are relatively alone as we stroll around the park's center. An older women sits on a bench, monitoring two children running around the playground. A couple walks along the sidewalk pushing a baby stroller, deep in conversation. A few more kids are scattered around the playground, though not as many as is typical.

The emptiness of the park may have something to do with the fact that it's late afternoon, or maybe it has more to do with the dark storm clouds littering the air, threatening rain. Either way, it's nice to have the park somewhat to ourselves as Devon and I walk about. Our pinkies flirt as our hands brush as we walk down the trail that circles the park, outlined by dirty concrete.

"So," I say, glancing over at Devon, "you said your mom is a nurse?"

"Yeah." Devon nods. Her dark gaze meets mine and lingers for a moment too long before she turns her gaze to survey the auburn leaves falling to the ground from the trees up above. "That's why she's not around the house much. She usually ends up working night shifts, then sleeping during the day."

"Is it hard?" I don't want to pry, yet I'm too inquisitive to stop myself from continuing, "Not seeing her much, I mean."

Devon seems to carefully think over her answer before responding. "Sometimes," she admits. "My mom and I have always gotten along really well, so it's not too bad. Most times, Mom is awake by the time I get home from school. We spend a few hours together before she has to head to the hospital.  We're close."

"You came out to her already, right?" I inquire. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I just remember—"

"No, it's okay," Devon interrupts. She offers me a warm smile, gaze trailing my features before locking with mine. "I came out to my mom at the beginning of high school. I basically always knew I was into girls, though I was certain of my sexuality by thirteen. My mom was really cool about it when I told her. I'd been so nervous and even cried, just for my mom to start laughing and tell me she already knew I was gay."

"What about your dad?" I suddenly realize that I haven't once heard Devon mention her father before, nor have I ever seen him. I begin to wonder if he is a part of her life or not, and what the story behind his absence may be.

"I don't talk to my dad," Devon admits. "I haven't seen him since I was really young." Nothing in Devon's tone gives away her emotions on the subject. However, I notice a shattered gleam in her eyes; the fractured light making it clear she would rather be talking about something else.

"What about you?" Devon questions, quick to jump to the next topic. "Are you out to your parents?"

"Sort of." I cringe as I ponder how to give Devon a basic description of what my parents know about my sexuality without having to tell her about the therapy I had to undergo in Iowa over the summer. "My mom, uh, caught me with Sloane. She banned me from seeing her. We haven't really talked about it since. I don't know what my dad knows. Or doesn't know."

I bite down on my lip. I know that I'm leaving out a few major details to the story and I feel bad for lying to Devon, yet I'm simply not ready to tell her the truth. I don't want her to find out what happened last summer, I don't want her to know I was sent away to be fixed. I'm afraid she will look at me differently if she knows the whole story. I'm afraid that the light that shines in Devon's eyes when she gazes at me with be replaced with fractured bits of sadness, the perfect expression of pity. I'm afraid Devon will see me as a broken girl whose mind has been played with too much for her own good.

For now, I just want Devon to see me as she does. I want her to see me as me, just as I am. To Devon, I'm merely Hadley. Since my other relationships have crashed and burned, that is all I've been wanting.

"I'm guessing your mom wasn't okay with it?" Devon interrogates. "Being gay . . .?"

I shake my head. "Not at all."

"I'm sorry. It hurts to not be supported by the people we love most. Unfortunately, that's how life tends to go for those like us. Just know you have me, and so many others who love you just the way you are."

I force a smile that I'm sure Devon can sense isn't genuine. Thankfully, she doesn't comment on this. We walk in silence for a moment, side-by-side.

I hear children squealing from the playground. A wet drop lands on my head. By the time I tilt my head back to face the sky, the raindrops falling have doubled and increased speed. The drops hit me like bullets of ice, dissipating into my hair and leaving behind wet splotches on my clothes.

"It's raining!" I exclaim, to which Devon responds with a laugh.

I stand still for a moment, stunned. I watch the children run from the playground and toward the vehicles they arrived in. It seems everyone around me is in a hurry to get to shelter, to escape the cool rain for dry land.

All but Devon.

She stands next to me, beaming as she tilts her head toward the sky and watches the rain as it showers down on her. I can't help studying her, noticing all of her intricate details. A few dark strands of hair that have managed to escape Devon's bun cling to the sides of her face. Raindrops are lost in her eyelashes. Her clothes have become sodden, clinging to her skin.

She's breathtaking.

Devon's gaze finds mine. I'd give anything to know what thoughts run through her mind as she peers at me through the pouring rain, eyes trailing my figure. I try to picture my appearance at the moment, knowing my hair is soaked and my clothes feel as if they are glued to my body—neither of which is very flattering.

Yet Devon looks at me like I'm beautiful, like she has never seen anything quite like me before. The way she looks at me leaves me certain I am falling for her, just as the rain falls to the ground all around us.

When she moves towards me, I'm expecting it. I lean into Devon as she takes my face in her hands, pressing her lips to mine as the fronts of our bodies collide. She kisses me roughly, gently pushing me backwards until my back meets a tree trunk. She runs a hand through my hair and tugs gently to elicit a moan from my lips as she rushes to remove my jacket. Then her hands are all over my body, fingertips running down my arms, across my midriff, slipping into the back pockets of my jeans. Her touch leaves a trail of sparks behind on my skin. Need and longing fills my chest, so I kiss her harder, pull her closer, grip her tighter.

"Fuck taking it slow," Devon murmurs in my ear, lips brushing against my skin. "I want you, Hadley."

I don't tell her what I'm thinking, which is that I want her too. I want her in every way possible. Suddenly, I'm certain that she is what I want, no matter the consequences that are to come.

___

a/n: i'm technically on "vacation" rn (my family is staying in my dad's condo while he builds a house in virginia) but like . . . i can't even enjoy myself bc all i can think about is wanting my girl w me. ugh. emotions.