"I want to give you all the love you deserve."
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Hadley Carter has struggled with her sexuality ever since childhood. She keeps her feelings hidden out of fear of judgement and not being accepted by oth...
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"Getting ready to go out?"
Mom popping her head into my room and her sudden question startles me. I roll my eyes as I turn away from her presence, wishing she would learn to knock.
I don't know why Mom bothers to ask what I'm getting ready for, anyway. After all, she's the one who practically convinced me to go out tonight, claiming time with my friends is good for me. I don't even want to go, though I know better than to upset my mom or Delaney. Especially considering the hold Delaney has over me these days.
"Yeah," I admit without bothering to glance at my mom as I answer her. "I'm going with the girls to that party I told you about."
Mom's expression lights up at my revelation. "It's so nice to see you having fun again," she murmurs. "See? I told you things would go back to normal. It just takes time, honey."
I stiffen at my mother's words. My life isn't even close to normal. Things had been normal before Mom sent me away; before she put me through therapy to change who I am; before she mentally scarred me and instilled a fear in me of being myself. The truth is that I'm just as gay and "sick" as I'd been before, which has been confirmed by the few interactions I've had with Devon at school. Deep down, I'd known therapy wouldn't change how I thought and felt. I guess I just wasn't certain until I met Devon, who has seemed to bring that side of me out all over again.
"Right," I respond to my mother, offering her a tight-lipped smile so as not to give away what I'm thinking.
"Is Delaney going to stay over after the party?" Mom asks. "It feels like its been forever since she's stayed with us."
"I don't think so," I'm quick to retort. "You know how school gets. There's always homework to finish or a test to study for. She's been really busy lately."
"Oh." Mom frowns. "Well, tell her I said hi. And that we miss having her over."
"Will do," I assure my mom, having no intention to follow through.
Mom exits my doorway after a brief moment, leaving me alone once again. I study my reflection in my mirror, barely able to recognize myself. I don't look like me under all of the mascara and eyeliner decorating my features. I don't feel comfortable in the top and skirt I'm wearing. All of it is for show, to please those around me. I wonder if I'll ever reach a point where I put myself first.
My phone dings with a text, the unexpected sound causing me to flinch in surprise. It's Delaney, letting me know she's in my driveway with Bianca and Grace. I sigh as I head for my door, wandering outside to meet her and dreading every step.
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a/n: i am v exhausted
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