Silence Destroyed (MHA)

Letter to Dad

Dear Dad,

In an ideal world, you would be at home right now, we would've spent New Year's Eve sitting at the table, talking with friends and perhaps, if we're feeling really ambitious, playing Pass the Pigs. Perhaps you would've turned on one of those random Youtube videos you went crazy for, one about interesting machines maybe?

Either way, there would be a lot of fun, smiling, and eventually you'd pass out in your chair in front of the TV, like you always do.

In an ideal world, you would be here... You'd be happy, and you'd be griping about going back to work. Just like we do every year... None of us would know the difference, but it would be wonderful, just like always.

But this is no ideal world, unfortunately.

Instead of home, you've been relegated to a hospital bed as they remove the tubes and make you as comfortable as they can. You cry every day and apologize every hour for the trouble you've caused. You're trapped inside the prison that your body has come, and I know that is your worst fear.

I wish I could tell you that it's okay, that you've been strong for so long, that you've held the weight of the world on your shoulders for years, and now it's your time to rest.

No one can carry the weight of the world forever, no matter how much we want to.

You blame yourself for every little thing, and strive to be the best person you can be, because if you don't, you're a failure. It's admirable, as it is unhealthy, but I know I've always looked up to you. From my first memories on, you've been the strongest person I know, always moving, always working, and, even better, always succeeding in my eyes.

We were so close when I was a kid, wrestling and joking. You taught me to be tough, asking if I got into any fights that day at school, and when I cut my hair, you acted all concerned, saying I must have lost all my strength like Samson, only to praise me when I flexed.

You always talked to me like an adult, talking about work and explaining things when I didn't understand. Sometime you didn't have the right words, and you tried your darndest to draw a picture to explain.

I acted like those pictures explained everything... I was lying. I cared more about seeing your eyes light up than I did about understanding how the engine worked, or whatever else it was you were talking about. You got so excited about things, which really made you fun to talk to.

I can't even count how many times you and I stood at the counter as we disassembled a clock, or talked about science, or played with nonnewtonian fluids, or assembled something random we got for a holiday.

Heaven's knows you weren't always the best teacher, you understood things (especially math) so easily, yet explaining it to someone who didn't understand it was frustrating to you. I mean... It was frustrating to me, or whoever was unlucky enough to have you helping them with homework, but we got through it... eventually.

You never did know how to translate technical terms into layman's English, but it's something that made you, you. I wouldn't change that for the world.

I know I can't sugarcoat things and pretend you were 100% perfect; you wouldn't want me to. You were so stubborn, and you didn't argue so much as you spoke the 'truth' and expected everyone else to accept it.

We had our rough times, and I'm so sorry that this summer was hard on both of us. I needed to learn and grow independently, but I'm sorry that I ever made you feel less than, or that you weren't important to me. You are my dad, and you were the best dad I could ever possibly ask for. Thank you for being you.

I've always loved you with all my heart, even when I complained as we were pouring concrete and you kept saying I wasn't cleaning the concrete well enough. Even when we were shouting at each other in the jeep. I still stand behind the fact that you didn't tell me about that button before I started driving it.

Even when I screamed at you, loosing my temper as you dismissed my opinion. I think a big reason it hurt was because I respect and love you and I wanted acknowledgement that my feelings were valid. It wasn't right of me to scream like that but... perhaps unbelievably, it did come from a place of love.

I have so many more memories of you, all of them good, and all of them something I will treasure in the end, because you are worth treasuring.

Saying goodbye is hard... and harder still because your brain isn't in a place where you can understand me well, nor can you respond. You are so smart, and you've always been so good with your words, that seeing you as you are now, unable to speak, besides saying sorry and something that approaches 'I love you' is so hard.

It hurts seeing you like this, because you are the most independent person I know.

I want to keep having discussions with you that I am only barely keeping up with because of how technical it is. I want to play Pass the Pigs with you again, and see how high I can get you to bet. I want to stand over the counter and disassemble something just to see what it's insides look like.

But I can't.

Your mind has become a prison, and I know that this was your worst fear, so I'm okay with this outcome, even if it hurts more than tearing my own heart out would.

Please don't blame yourself for my change of faith. I inherited your critical eye, which is what helped me to leave, but it's not your fault.

You always have been and always will be my dad, my rock, and the most stubborn person I know. You will always live on in my mind, as you will with everyone else who loves you, and there are many. Honestly, you were far to young for this to happen to you. You had so many adventures left in you, but it looks like we'll just have to continue on in your name.

You always were tigger and I could never keep up, especially not when we were on vacation, but we'll always work on it.

I love you. Unconditionally, and I'm sorry you won't be able to help me walk down the aisle, or see your grandkids grow up. You were the best dad and the best grandfather.

Goodbye Dad.