Love & Hate and Friends & Lovers (Zouis/Larry)

34. Heartbreak

The last few days I was a crying, sobbing mess. I didn’t go to school on Friday and I stayed in bed for the whole weekend (not that that is anything unusual nowadays).

When I finally left the classroom (was ordered by a teacher) I was still fuming with rage. It was like the anger completely took control of me. And for the first time I was also really angry with Hazza. Why did he have to love me? If Hazza wouldn’t have said those words he said, would I have been standing there screaming to Zayn? Is it true that I broke up because I didn’t belong in Zayn’s world? Because his family and friends will not accept me? Or does it all come back to Hazza like Zayn said?

I was so full of rage that I honestly don’t even remember half of how I felt or what I did. The rage possessed me and I could only go along with it.

It took a few hours to minimize my anger. After the rage subsided I realized what I did. I broke up with Zayn and I told him I hated him. I blamed him for everything. The realization came crashing in and overwhelmed me once more. I felt so awful about it and suddenly I couldn’t stop crying. It’s a vicious circle. Every time something happens I get angry, I cry and I’m broken. Feelings completely overwhelm me and I honestly don’t know how to change it.

Why didn’t I tell him the truth? Why did I let the anger get the best of me? I made myself angry by just a few simple irritations because the underlying emotions were so much scarier. It’s hard for me to be open and honest about my emotions, admitting my real feelings. So instead of showing him how much I still loved him, I became angry; furious even.

After a terrible night, feeling so heartbroken and ashamed, Hazza came to comfort me. He never pushed me for anything; just held me in his embrace and soothed me as he rubbed my back and stroked my hair. And as amazing as Hazza’s support felt and feeling him beside me again, I also felt conflicted as he soothed me. I wanted him near me, I needed it, but I also couldn’t deal with it.

I felt so awful about the way I handled things with Zayn, hurting him more than I ever intended to do. Hazza understood my pain, or in all honesty he tried. He tried his best to be there for me without being too close, but I could see that it took willpower. He finally got his happy ending, but I wasn’t ready to give myself completely. Not yet.

I was so broken about Zayn. If I just gave myself to Hazza, both emotionally and physically, I couldn’t forgive myself. Zayn at least deserved that I mourned. I wanted, needed to feel the pain, the sorrow, the heartbreak. I deserved all the pain after my pathetic way of breaking up with such a wonderful guy. I don’t suddenly think that Zayn is perfect, far from it, but he didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve my harsh words, especially after everything I read about him. I only made it worse and that feels terrible. That feels heart wrenching.

Besides, even if I wanted to give myself to Hazza I just simply wasn’t able to. The last few days have been hell.

Tomorrow I have to go to school; it’s a requirement because they will give us information about our final exams. I need to survive one school day seeing Zayn and being confronted with his presence and his beauty.

Thankfully, after tomorrow we have two free weeks to study for our exams. The comfort of knowing that is the only thing that keeps me from falling down completely.

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“Students, can I get your attention?” Mrs. Liang speaks loudly. “The principal wants to talk to each of you individually.”

That catches everyone’s attention. All the students look up in surprise.

“It probably has something to do with Louis,” Matt immediately replies and everyone starts to laugh and look at me. Everyone except for Zayn. He hasn’t looked at me once.