Love & Hate and Friends & Lovers (Zouis/Larry)

12. The necklace

“Zayn, wait!” I yell as I run towards him. It’s Monday morning and I try to keep my promise; I need to talk to Zayn. As he turns around and he faces me my words get stuck in my throat. He looks so good. Like always. At most, a little tired, but furthermore he looks absolutely stunning. I feel nervous to talk to him after everything that happened but I mostly feel nervous because every time I see him I want to be with him. And that hurts, especially because I know Zayn doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

I try to look as confident as I can be, but that only makes me seem arrogant. “I just wanted to thank you for turning in our project, that’s all.” I say in the most casual voice I can manage.

He shrugs. “Ah well, you shouldn’t have.”

“Yes I did!” I practically scream and that’s all I can say, all I know what to say.

“That’s it?” He asks impatient.

No of course not Zayn, I want you to kiss me in front of everyone in this school yard! I don’t care if people will judge me, they already do anyway. I want to be with you.

But instead of saying any of that I only nod in response.

Without anything more, not even a glance, he walks away.

I’m so upset with myself, I’m so utterly pathetic! I want to be with Zayn, who doesn’t want to be with me. In my head I’m pleading Zayn to crawl back to me, but from the outside I look as indifferent as possible. Why do I have to make things so complicated? I have an incredible boy that I love most in my life, but still a part of me is craving for Zayn. Why do I feel something for this boy? We don’t have anything in common, apart the fact that we both like to argue and fight. We never really dated, but the two times he kissed me I felt so alive. I felt so amazing and I just want that feeling to return.

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School is just extremely awful. Just like last week Zayn has ignored me since our little talk on Monday morning. He hasn’t talked to or looked at me in three days and I try to ignore him as well. I try to look indifferent and bored, but in reality I keep glancing at him. Zayn intoxicates me in different ways.

First of all with his outer beauty. He is so unbelievable handsome that I sometimes just stare at his facial and body features and admire them in silence.

Secondly, with the way we interacted. Even though it’s probably really weird, I enjoyed our fights and arguments, which led to a kiss; twice! The way he enraged me within minutes and made me go soft just as rapidly. It made me crazy.

He also intoxicates me in a completely furious way. I’m still extremely upset about the fact that he doesn’t trust me and that he is upset with me. When he said those words I felt defeated and that soon changed in a lot of anger. I hoped that he just wanted to say those words and we could work from there, but he doesn’t even want to try anything. He doesn’t want to talk to me. I feel so pathetic for even still wanting somebody who doesn’t like me anymore. Anymore? He did say he liked me, but if he really liked me he wouldn’t stop – whatever we had -, for something as stupid as this. Just thinking about it now makes me immensely furious. He can literally crawl under my skin. I ball my fist in anger.

I feel like a ticking time bomb. School is just awful right now and then there is also the fact that my mother still looks extremely exhausted and Niall is in prison for dealing drugs. I still haven’t visited Niall and that makes me feel really guilty; what kind of friend am I?

Luckily things between Hazza and me are starting to go back like the used to be. I don’t ignore him anymore and I try to act just like before. Mostly that just goes very easily. I love Hazza and I can be me without being judged. Far from that, I can be me and be loved because of that. I just hold a little secret to myself. Nobody knows and nobody is going to know because I have to move on.