Love & Hate and Friends & Lovers (Zouis/Larry)

24. The moment of truth

Finally a new chapter!

I haven't been able to upload because I wasn't feeling well. I hope to upload frequently but because of my health I can't always promise!

And besides that I was so upset about the tweets from Louis' twitter account. I know it wasn't Louis, because he seems like such an incredible and loving person and in interviews and stuff he showes that he loves all his fans! But it made me so sad and angry that they are going through so much lengths to 'prove' Louis isn't gay and that he is upset because someone wrote a positive article about him supporting LGBT rights! Fucking absurd and ridiculous! So that really freaked me out, what about you guys? Just know that I love you no matter what gender, sexual orientation, race, religion or anything <3

Lastly I want to thank you all for your support on this story! That really means the world to me <3

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After I came to the conclusion that I really wanted to tell Hazza about Zayn I panicked. Of course I panicked, what did you expect? I kept imagining the worst-case scenarios in my head. I kept asking myself ‘is this a good idea?’. I knew it was the right thing to do, but not a good thing.

It literally took me over a day to gather all my courage and finally call Hazza. I told him that I wanted to talk to him. I didn't even have to tell him more, it was like he could already hear, merely by my voice, that it wasn't just a normal talk. That it wasn't just a normal day with cuddles and a movie. When I hung up I really believed I heard him mumble ‘finally’.

Lately things haven’t been like they used to be. I know that it’s entirely my fault because I couldn't be honest with him. I couldn't be honest to the person that means most to me. Even though I have told him before that nothing is wrong, he knows it. He knows something is up. And I also know how much it kills him that I can’t be honest with him. It pains him that I keep something to myself. He has no fucking clue what it is, but he knows something is different.

As much as I fear the moment like I never have in my entire life, I really want to tell him. Or better yet, I need to. If I want things to be like they used to be (although in my mind I know they probably won’t) I need to fix this. I need to tell him. This is so important to me and I can’t leave him out of this. Hazza is too important for me.

It’s been at least an hour since I’ve called Hazza and I told him that I would come over as quickly as possible. A part of me just really wants to do it and get it over with, but the biggest part of me is too fucking scared.

In this last hour I’ve tried to convince myself that this is not a big deal. I kept repeating to myself that it will all be fine. That he will be absolutely fine with it. But the thing is, I know he won’t. I have no idea what will happen if I tell him, but I’m positive that he won’t congratulate me with tears of joy. Do you remember how he reacted when he thought I was in love with Liam? He was such a pathetic, jealous and agitated boy. He hated it, so how can he be okay with this?

He can’t, because this is not what he wants. Hazza wants it to be like it used to be. Just Hazza and Lou. The thing is, I desperately want that too. I feel like that would solve a lot of my problems. Besides that, I would be so happy. I wouldn't have to worry about his family finding out, or that his friends suspect that we are a couple. I wouldn’t have to argue about every single detail. Hazza knows me inside and out. It would make it so much better and easier. But something inside me is yearning for those problems, for all those difficulties. It’s something thrilling. It’s Zayn.

“Shouldn’t you go sweetie?” Mother gently smiles at me.

When I finally came to the conclusion that I wanted to tell Hazza about Zayn I felt so anxious. After Zayn left the house I was literally shaking and pacing restlessly around the room. Of course my mother noticed my odd behavior, especially after the wonderful time I just had with Zayn and my family. So suddenly, as she asked me the common words ‘What’s wrong sweetheart?’ I just blurted it out. It was like a waterfall. I rambled on about everything that has happened. I honestly don’t know for how long I had been ranting, but she continued to listen and calming me by caressing my hair. Afterwards I felt guilty (again) because I saw how tired she was. She isn’t healthy enough to hear about my dramatic teen life, but at that moment I just didn't think about that. For me it’s not just some drama, it’s so much more than that. My mother knows that. She knows how nervous I am.