Love & Hate and Friends & Lovers (Zouis/Larry)

32. Decision

I wanted to upload this new chapter but it went wrong and stupid me deleted two chapters instead. yeah that's really stupid... and I instantly miss the reads, comments and votes =(
But the good news: a new chapter!

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Even through my foggy vision and disoriented mind I’m able to put the diary back in place. I take a deep breath, trying to collect myself as far as possible. As quietly as I can I leave Zayn’s room, trying to escape the house without running into Zayn’s mother. I can’t face her. And I definitely can’t face Zayn. Not after everything I just read. After finding out the truth so suddenly. It’s overwhelming me and truthfully too much for me to handle.

I tiptoe down the stairs; I cringe every time I make a sound. Holding my breath, I eventually make it all the way down and immediately race to the door. I quickly open it and rush outside the house, not even thinking about closing the door. Running like a mad man, escaping Zayn’s house in a state of disorientation.

I keep running, sprinting towards my house; or wherever. I try to focus on the run that takes me so much effort and give me a stabbing pain in my side, but my head is still making over-hours. My mind is everywhere, running even harder than my legs. I finally know the truth about basically everything. I finally know how hard it is for Zayn to be gay and how his world will never accept it. How he feels utterly conflicted and pained. I know about the argument between Hazza and Zayn, which I desperately wanted to know about; until now. I know that Hazza is in love with me. I know all of it and it feels like my head is going to explode.

I finally know and instead of feeling relieved to have answers, I have even more questions. How can I be with Zayn if his world won't accept us? When Hazza won't accept us? And why? Why couldn’t Hazza tell me? And why couldn’t I see it? His actions spoke louder than his words. I just didn’t want to see them. I wanted to believe what he told me. When he said that he was okay with me and Zayn I should have known that he wasn’t. I should have known, just by the way he reacted when he thought I liked Liam, by the way he ignored me for days. How could I have been so blind all this time?

I stop running, trying to catch my breath and making an effort not to barf on the streets. Again. The pain in my side is getting worse and I feel woozy. I try not to panic but it feels like I can’t breathe as the tightness in my chest is getting worse. I’m not even sure if I feel so suffocated because of the run or because of everything I just learned. Either way I need to do something.

I stand tall, trying to breathe in and out. Breathe Tomlinson. Just breathe. Even short breaths, little exhales. Everything is fine. Everything will be fine.

Right?

When I can finally breathe pretty steadily I decide to walk again. I try to comprehend the news, maybe even accept it. But there is still one question that is driving me insane. One question I’m too scared to answer: what now?

I tried to push the thought away for so long. I wanted to avoid it with all costs but now I know. I can’t avoid it any longer. I have to choose between Hazza and Zayn.

It kills me that I have to choose between someone that is more important to me than the world and someone I’m so madly in love with. It feels so extremely unfair that I even have to make such a hard, impossible decision. But after today I know that it’s something I have to do. Besides, I’ve already hurt both of them. With every choice I have made in the last couple of months I have hurt someone. I have lied, I have caused drama and I have been unfair to both of them. I know I have to make a choice. And whatever choice I’m making next, I will break someone’s heart, including mine.

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In an extremely slow pace, feeling defeated and drained I finally arrive home. When I walk up to the front door I am met with the sight of a worried Hazza. Hazza is here.