If Hux Could Kill || Kylo Ren

Tell Me Why

AN: Sorry for not being great at sticking to my schedule recently! The holidays have been crazy busy, but I've got the motivation and time to write once again! I hope you all enjoy this chapter and please comment and vote. Being able to read all of your comments really makes my day, and I promise I'll be better at responding!

TW: blood, panic attack, angst

I stared down at the knife, at the blood seeping out and staining my dress, making the fabric damp and dark. But there was no pain. I felt nothing. Everything started to fade, my vision not only blurring but waves of new colors appearing. Images slowly fading. There was no more sound, just colors.

And then it was all over.

I shot up in bed, my breathing shallow and quick. I gripped onto my stomach where the knife as entered, but realized I wasn't bleeding, I was perfectly fine.

I gripped onto the sheet, to my chest, my clothes, in an attempt to calm myself down. To realize that I was okay.

That it was all a dream.

I felt a hand on my back, Kylo's grumble from behind me. But it felt so distant. My ears were still ringing as my breathing didn't change, still shallow as I gasped for air.

Kylo noticed quickly, sitting up beside me. His eyes were wide with confusion and fear, now fully awake. But I didn't notice, I was still trying to calm myself down.

Tears were now forming in my eyes as Kylo pulled me into him, my cheek meeting his broad chest.

That's when I finally let everything loose. All my emotions. My body shook as each sob tore a larger hole in my chest. I was no longer panicking, but the terror of what I had realized, what my subconscious forced me to realize, was taking over.

I didn't want to give into the feelings, to the realization that I trusted him. I didn't want to have another person to worry about in my life. I didn't want my mind consumed by him. I couldn't afford that kind of distraction. Couldn't afford an emotional attachment like him.

I managed to gather myself, pushing away from him, refusing to look into his eyes. Refusing to meet the eyes of the man I trusted, maybe even cared for.

"You can't go tonight." I said with a cold and flat tone.

He seemed caught off guard, taking a moment to realize what I just said, to find a response.

"What?" He asked, confusion clear in his tone.

"You can't go tonight." I repeated myself as I slipped out of the bed and towards the bathroom.

He followed me.

"Why?" He asked, more frustration evident.

I still didn't meet his eyes as I prepared a shower for myself.

"There's too much risk." Was all I offered.

"There's always risk, what makes this different." He was leaning against the door frame, his eyes on me, arms crossed over his chest.

I shook my head. "Just don't go." I said, my voice lowering.

He pushed off the door frame, stepping towards me. He reached out for my arm, but I flinched, moving away and avoiding his grasp. His arm fell in defeat.

"Tell me why." He sounded desperate. "Please."

I swallowed harshly, now standing in front of the shower, eyes on the floor beneath me.