Burnout ⊗ Jeongchan

④⑥ Uncomfortable

Forewarning: Mentions self injury from the previous chapter

Jeongin blanked at the switchblade resting on the kitchen counter.

He clutched his fists around a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, the soft and welcoming fuzz of the fabric protecting him from the monsters that made him shiver as he balled up on the tile floor of the kitchen. His head rested on the uncomfortable pillow of Felix's leg, neck bent strangely as he shifted his weight and fell gently to his back. He gaped up at the ceiling, but he never made the attempt to move away from his friend. He never had the will to, he never had the want to, if it meant losing one last grip at comfort. More than not, he probably needed the moment of simple connection.

A cool hand rested on the younger's forehead, "You're burning up."

"Not sick," He muttered a response, voice still scratching at the dryness soaking on his tongue. Carefully, Jeongin moved his uninjured hand to rub at his throat, shoulder instead taking the brunt of pain that cut through his nerves, "Just... It's a lot."

"Do you want to talk?" Felix smiled down at him, kind but unsure. As if he thought Jeongin would explode at any moment, rip them both to shreds between screaming shrapnel of broken hearted blights, and never recover from the wounds. Despite that, he didn't choose to shove his friend off his lap nor close off his tired mind with impenetrable barricades. And no matter how hard the younger might've asked to leave him alone, Felix stayed in his spot on the kitchen floor.

"I messed up," Jeongin whispered, "I'm so fucking messed up."

He could hear the way Felix frowned in his voice, and feel it in the way the hand on his forehead tensed, "Nothing you have done could warrant you hurting yourself like this."

"You don't know that," Jeongin squeezed his eyes shut, eyelids immediately burning from the dehydration and recent neglect of decent sleep for days on end. Tired nights staying awake, refusing to eat, an endless mind, torrential downpour of tears, a loop of second guessing, 'no this isn't right', never being good enough, it would be nice if all if it just stopped. He wrapped himself tighter into the blanket, drawing the shield of a sheet closer to his still quivering body with a weak grip, "I've changed Lix."

"From someone who has been watching from the outside, you have not changed," Felix humed. As the younger sent him an unsure look, he continued, "You haven't. You might have on the outside, your appearance is different, but at your core you are still the same."

Jeongin let go of the blanket. His fingers tangled lightly in his hair, shoulder warning him that it was trying to recover without being heeded, and the side of his finger stinging with pressure from the strands. He quickly released the grilp, simply letting his hands slide down to clutch at the steady rise and fall of his own chest as he scowled at the ceiling, "I don't know what you mean. Everything feels different."

"Well, you were one way to please your parents. To me, it looks like you are trying to please someone else now," He explained as he pulled the wrinkled blanket back over the younger's shoulders, mimicking the way a mother would tuck in a restless child. As Jeongin snuggled into the warmth, Felix finalized, "You are uncomfortable like this too."

Jeongin allowed his eyes to peep open, head lulling down so he could peer at his friend behind a defensive stupor that was attempting to make the split second decision; be honest or lie. To defend himself, or acknowledge. To deny, or to admit. He had to ask himself, What was it like to be comfortable? And somehow not being able to find an answer in the patient gaze of Felix or in the cracks of the cabinets behind his head. Of course he was. Jeongin had been, he is, and he always will be comfortable. He was comfortable. But that false sense led him to where he was now as a shattered mess on the alabaster tile kitchen floor. There wasn't much point in lying anymore, at least, there wasn't any point in lying to the one currently in his company.