White T-Shirt

스물 하나

Jonghyun opens his eyes, unsure of whether he has slept or not, all he knows is that it is Monday morning and he will be expected to go to class today. Kibum stirs beside him, though still fast asleep despite the blaring sound of the alarm on Jonghyun's phone.

Standing up from bed, he feels unsteady on his feet, he walks over to the kitchen sink to get himself a glass of water. His mouth feels like cotton, his throat is dry, dehydrated from the endless tears he has shed. He picks out his clothes, shutting his eyes tight as he opens his underwear drawer, seeing the underwear he had bought for Yeona was too much for him.

He almost laughs as tears prick the corners of his eyes, crying over underwear was not something he thought he would ever do. Though falling in love with someone so irrevocably, who just so easily broke his heart was not something he thought he would ever do, too.

He showers and dresses for the day, purposely avoiding looking at his reflection as he does not want to see the broken man he has become staring back at him. By the time he has dressed, Kibum has also awoken and is sitting up in bed.

"You have your singing class this morning, right?" Kibum asks

Jonghyun nods his reply, just as he packs his notebooks into his bag for the day. The books filled with lyrics, the ones he has written every day since he met Yeona. The only thing that he has been able to do for the last 2 days is cry, and write lyrics, so many fucking lyrics.

I love her.

Jonghyun has lost count of the amount of times he has written those three words down. Pages and pages, the same three words, meaning more to him every time he writes them. He wishes he could tell her, he wished that he had told her, he wonders if she would have stayed if he did, but now he will never know.

"You can stay here if you want, just lock the door when you leave." Jonghyun says

"No, that's okay, I have to go to work. I'm getting up." Kibum replies, groaning as he stands

Once Kibum is ready, they leave Jonghyun's room and walk down the corridor, a quiet, uncomfortable silence hangs between them, both unsure of what there is to say. They reach Kibum's room, and stop in front of the door to say goodbye for now.

"I'm proud of you for going to class, but you know where I am if you need, hyung." Kibum says

"Thanks, I appreciate it, but you don't have to be so sweet, it's not like you." Jonghyun says through laughter

"Oh good, I was gonna make myself sick. See you later." Kibum replies

With a swift punch to the arm first, Kibum pulls Jonghyun into a quick hug before turning to enter his dorm. Jonghyun's mood is momentarily lifted as he is grateful for the friendship that they have, and so grateful to have had someone keep him company all weekend too.

———

With his elbows on the table, Jonghyun rests his head in his hands, staring down at the notebook on the desk in front of him. It's one month until performance night, and he knows that he should be singing, practicing, but all he wants to do is write out his feelings.

If I told you with a crying face that I am having a difficult time
would it be better?
so who's going to have a harder time?
If I whine about being in pain
will everything be okay?

Jonghyun reflects on the lyrics as he writes them, therapy in the form of poetry. His pain is physical, visceral, nothing like he has ever felt before. He doesn't understand, he tried so hard to be the best boyfriend he could be, but it just wasn't enough for Jung Yeona.