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스물 일곱

Yeona stops to catch her breath, at a bridge overlooking the river. She knows that she is somewhere near campus, and that if she keeps walking she will soon be home, but she can barely breathe through her cries, and she crumples to the concrete below her.

She gazes over the river, staring at the reflection of the moon in the water. She thinks that by now her friends will have realised she has left, but she does not care. She needs to be alone, she wants to be alone, she deserves to be alone.

Jonghyun deserves better, he deserves the sweet, little blonde girl from his music class. He deserves someone who isn't so afraid of falling in love that they will push him away. Yeona wails as she imagines Jonghyun kissing the other girl, spending time with the other girl, and loving the other girl.

It should be me.

Yeona stands and leans over the railing, staring at the water metres below her. She sees her reflection, blurred through her hazy eyes. The face staring back at her, she can hardly recognise anymore. Intrusive thoughts race through her mind, as she wonders what would happen if she jumped.

She recounts her favourite memories with Jonghyun, she remembers the way it felt to be in his arms, the way his lips matched hers so perfectly. She is reminded of how he would always try and build her up, telling her how incredible, intelligent and talented she is.

Yeona thinks of all the things she missed out on doing with him, because she was scared of believing that she was worthy of him. Now, more than ever, she regrets not having him by her side, cheering her on, and being proud of her like nobody in her life has been before.

She watches her tears fall down into the water below, mixing instantly with the rushing flow. She wishes that she too could disappear into the water, never to be found again. She wonders if her pain would end, if she jumped, or if it will follow her wherever she goes, alive or dead.

She steps back, afraid of what she is capable of if she lets her impulsivity consume her. She always runs away, she always chooses a way out, she is always so afraid of being brave. She knows her fear is her downfall, she wishes that she could be strong, but she is not, and she doesn't know if she ever will be.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket, and after it stops, it starts up again. The notification light flashing repeatedly as she extracts it to see who is trying to reach her.

Six (6) Missed Calls: Chanyeol

Yeona feels a twinge of guilt, leaving her friend behind, in the middle of an argument with her ex boyfriend. She knows that Chanyeol can hold his own, being tall, and brave and strong, and she knows that he is well aware of how she feels about Jonghyun. She knows that he will be worrying for her, though she cannot bare to call him back.

Four (4) Missed Calls: Taemin

Again, feeling guilt, she knows that Taemin will be freaking out. The boy who is her closest friend, gets so anxious when she is upset like this. She fears he will take out his anxiety on Jonghyun, but at the same time feels like he deserves the wrath. She is glad Taemin is with the others, because she is not prepared to talk to him yet, either.

Three (3) Missed Calls: Kibum

Kibum, like a big brother to her, she is so sure will be ready to fight Jonghyun, despite their longstanding friendship. She has grown closer to Kibum since he and Taemin have been official, and she is so grateful for how much he has cared for her, too. She knows that wherever he is, he will be with Taemin, keeping each other level headed. She swipes the notification away, ignoring his calls too.

Twelve (12) Missed Calls: Jonghyun

Yeona stares at his name, and the sheer number of times he has tried to call her, too. She does not want to hear his voice, she does not want to see his face. She stares at the screen as he calls her again, and again, and watches the number next to his name increase as the calls ring out with no answer.