White T-Shirt

열 둘

Yeona does not respond, her physical body shutting down as her mind races. She can barely feel the bed move, or the covers lift, as Jonghyun crawls under them with her. He wraps his arms around her, unsure of what is wrong, but wanting to do whatever is possible to help her through it.

"I'm here for you, Jagi, it's okay..." he soothes

Yeona shakes her head, it's not okay, it's never okay, she hates herself, she's only ever known to hate herself. She urges herself to calm down, to feel comforted by her boyfriend, but her mind is screaming at her.

Get up, escape, run away, he is never going to want you if he knows you're fucking crazy.

Jonghyun doesn't say anything further, just strokes Yeona's hair and her back, gently running his fingertips up and down her skin, steadying his breathing in hopes to steady hers in response. He holds her still, wishing he could understand what was going on inside her mind, wishing he could help her, or get her to open up to him.

"Jagi-ya, please talk to me..." he says, his tone soft and gentle

Yeona exhales deeply, before inhaling and pulling herself together. She wipes her eyes, and turns to face Jonghyun, barely making out his features in the darkness under the covers. She forces herself to smile, and leans forward to press their lips together. Jonghyun seems unsure of the embrace, but loves the feeling of their closeness, so kisses her back.

Yeona pulls the covers off them, breathing in the cooler air of the room. She looks at Jonghyun, who is staring at her with his brows furrowed, he is obviously worried for her.

"I'm fine, Jjong." Yeona says

"Jagi, please talk to me." he pleads

"I said I'm fine, Jonghyun." Yeona snaps

Jonghyun looks away, stung by Yeona's use of his full name. This is the only time she's used it since they started dating, apart from when she introduced him to Jinki and Minho at her work. Her tone is harsh, unlike anything he has heard from her. He bites his bottom lip as his emotions course through him.

Yeona stares at the older man, watching his facial expressions change as he processes his feelings. She told herself she wouldn't push him away, but she knows that what she is doing right now is exactly that. With every moment her self-hatred rises, with every breath she takes she wishes she would stop breathing altogether.

She knows that she could just tell him that she has been asked to audition, but she also knows that he will be excited for her, and not understand her reservations. She knows that if she tells him, she will also have to explain why she doesn't want to, and that will lead to her laying her whole life story out on the table, and she's just not ready for that yet.

"It's okay. Please just distract me." Yeona says, breaking the silence between the pair

"Jagi, I can't-" Jonghyun starts

"Please, Jjong..." Yeona begs

Jonghyun looks up at her, her eyes glisten with the remnants of her tears, and it breaks his heart to see her like this. He is hurting from the way she spoke to him, he is so sensitive, but he always puts others first, so tries to fight the hurt in him and reaches out to her. He gently strokes her cheek with his hand, and she takes his hand in hers and pulls him towards her.

She kisses him, internally begging for him to give in to her. He is being too soft, to gentle, she doesn't want him to be this nice to her. She bites his lip, trying to show him that she needs him harder, she needs more, desperately. It isn't enough, and she feels herself spiralling, confused, hurt, anxious and overwhelmed.