King of the revolution (boyxboyxboy)

(15) Truth keeps me going

"At my weakest I'm the most true to myself, because there is no longer strength for me to lie"

👑

Allan shuffled with his hands nervously, glancing to the side every now and then. He was laying under the covers, catching his breath after an intense moment with his boyfriend, thoughts clouding his mind.

They were so in love and so perfect together, Allan knew that, but there was something off about their relationship that they weren't willing to talk about. One of their biggest problems was the fight for dominance in every single situation, weather it was just about more intimate moments or simply deciding on a restaurant. There was this weird balance between them, as neither of them was willing to back down or submit for long enough.

At first it had worked fine, their constant bantering and playfully fighting was entertaining and it still could be. But it got tiresome when it was the only thing they did. Allan was afraid that their relationship was so unbalanced it wouldn't work at an older age. He was scared that they would drift apart through fighting that got out of hand. Usually they were calm and happy, but everyone fights sometimes. The problem is, when they fight they have a hard time calming down from it, a hard time backing out.

Allan didn't know what to do with this problem, and he was too scared to speak about it to Jake. What if he didn't feel the same way, but eventually realized it after Allan spoke to him and decided to leave him? Allan knew that it was highly unlikely and that it was only his depressive and anxious thoughts talking, trying to protect him, but it felt so real. So he tried to let it go, tried to stop thinking about it, but it didn't work either. At times like these, it was even more apparent and he would think about it for days.

Both of them were tired and frustrated and wanted to have a little fun together, but midst their frustration neither of them wanted to back down and submit to the other. They both had a hard time letting the other one take control, both of them feeling restless after just a few minutes. Somehow they had managed to get through it again, and now Allan was laying down next to his boyfriend, even more exhausted and confused than before. There was actually something else that was weighing his mind down lately, something that was directly connected to his first problem but still a little different.

Normally he would never had found the courage to tell Jake about it, feeling way too guilty. But now things were different, as Jake had just joined in with Allan when he flirted with Dion. Yes, although guilty and confused about it, Allan was sure that there was something going on between him, Dion and Jake. Although he hadn't read much about polyamory, he knew what it was and it only frustrated him more. The more he thought about Dion the more convinced he was of his suspicion.

Of course he could forget about it and wait until the little crush was over, but something inside of him was telling him that Dion was the key to their problems. Allan had taken it upon himself, with a lot of guilt, to imagine what a relationship between the three would look like. He saw much more balance than with just him and Jake, things just made more sense. But even if they wouldn't have made sense, his dreams about the shorter boy were quite apparent. It was clear that things could get way more serious between them than just a little sexual tension and a little crush.

So now there was only one problem left before he could start acting on this plan. Telling his own boyfriend that he liked someone else as well. Even though Jake had shown interest towards Dion just like him, they had never talked about it. Allan was terrified, certain that Jake would leave him. There was a huge chance that his boyfriend would get angry, sad or insecure. He never wanted things to be so complicated, but they just were, and he hated it. Why couldn't it just be easy?