What Am I Doing Wrong?

Slowly being molded. . .

I feel like if I could go back and change a few things, I would most definitely go back to my high school years. Those were the years where I critically made some of the worst decisions of my life. But then again, I don't think that I would have been the person that I am today. Everything that happened in my life has so far happened for a reason. Sculpting me into being a better woman, some day a great wife and a wonderful mother. But for now, I get to be ' SUPER GIRLFRIEND'. I remember how I always thought that I would never fit in does not matter how hard I tried. It is only until recently that I discovered that it is better to stand out then to fit in. I remember how careless I was, I stopped doing my homework and didn't care if my strict parents found out that I skipped out on school two days in a row. I started reading my bible a lot and got judged for that too. I used to hide how I prayed to God crying and begging for him to make me a better person. I could not understand why God was not answering my prayers. All I wanted was to fit in, to have everyone love me. I could not understand why I was not as popular as I wanted to be. And why were my parents so strict on me. My brother was allowed to do anything he wants.

So many times he came into the house and I could see something was up with him but I could never understand, until I started experimenting with different types of substances. That is when I realized that even my brother was 'Dora The Explorer' like he's baby sister. And even though I am 5 years younger then him, I also wanted to go out. I also wanted to go out partying like most people my age. But clearly God had better plans for me. I remember how I was told by multiple people that I would never make it in life. That I would always be the girl that never fit in, not even in the family. I remember how my cousins were allowed to go out whenever we went to visit my grandparents, and I would sit in the room all day. Only stepping out if I needed the bathroom or I needed to take a shower. I couldn't understand why my parents were so strict on me and my aunts and uncles were so chilled. My one aunt would even come into the room and slip me some alcohol. A lot of my family members would make stupid comments like how I'm going to be a wild child as soon as my parents let me go out. . .

I was so tired of their comments, I started doing stuff to prove them wrong and also because I got bored from being in the house all the time. I did stuff to show that I can make something of my life. Still neglecting my school work, I ended up watching a whole lot of online videos on how to do make up and nails. Even photography and admin. I even went as far as to watch videos on how to take care of babies in case I move over seas one day and become some rich family's nanny. I had so many dreams but I always stopped myself from achieving them because I always believed that I was and would never be good enough. I know that somehow I had to make a life for myself and not depend on anyone for a better life. I had no clue how to start but I was determined to prove everyone wrong. . .