What Am I Doing Wrong?

Everything Seems To Be Falling Apart...

Have you found fulfillment in Jesus? I have, and without realizing it. I could feel how I was becoming a different person. And the moment life became too busy, I realized that I wasn't putting God first anymore. So many things were going wrong. My partner and I would fight constantly. I started smoking cigarettes and drinking like a crazy person. I stopped praying and reading my Bible. Everything was just falling apart. I even forgot to tithe sometimes. Oh and don't forget how I would condemn myself. I would avoid watching videos or listen to scripture. Going to church was a nightmare because I would block out all those amazing feelings you get when you go to church.

I would always say that I never have time. But instead I would rather sleep than pray. Like what was I thinking. Conversation with God is supposed to be what is taking up my time. Like friends wanting to go out, guys I would be planning how I would be getting drunk out of my mind. When I should have said, no not tonight I have work to do. They don't have to know that I don't want to go out because I have an appointment with God. These days it doesn't take much for me to want to knock people out cold. I am such a hot head. And in my mind, the only thing that helps me is having too much alcohol. Oh how I wish I could just go back in time and knock some sense in my head.

Lord, the way I was only seeing the negative factors in every person. And then avoid them because I knew that if the opportunity presented itself, I would cuss them out about it. I am so ashamed for my behavior over the past few months. It's been super crazy. But on the other hand, if I did not go through that crazy time... I would not have learnt the lessons that I did. I'm actually wondering what God is saying to the angels about me. Like I can hear him saying, don't get involved until she learns by herself...