Until You

Anthony

I sped off from her house and kept driving. I ended up on the freeway. I didn't care where I was going as long as it was far from here. I needed to get the fuck away from here. 

I wiped the red stain on that was Damion's blood on my hand onto my shirt. After Mindy left I flipped out on Angela and Leslie. Damion became protective of Leslie.

"She's just trying to help you out man!" He yelled. "You don't belong with her and we need you to come back to the business. We can't do it without you!" Fuck You!

"Fuck that part of my life. You guys did this for you! Because now you have to get jobs! You have no other way to make a living. Instead of my happiness with the woman I love in all the world, you thought of yourselves." I screamed, "You all fucking make me sick! All you fucking reckless trash! Grow up!"

"I think your girlfriend is thinking the same thing." He mocked. And that was it. I flung myself at him and we fought. He got a few punches in which I was sure I'd see tomorrow, while I banged him so hard his mouth bled. I was so angry I thought I might kill him so I stopped, gave him one more kick in the ribs, grabbed his keys to the stolen car Alex stole and left. I went to the bar I applied to where my brother was now working, and got shitfaced.

"You want to tell me what's goin on?" He asked behind the bar. I shooed him away. 

"Not now, get me another beer!" I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to think, I didn't want to feel. All I wanted to do was drink. 

I drank all night and fell asleep in the car for a while. Then decided to go to her house. She just needed the truth. As I drove on the freeway, I went back in thoughts to when I tried to get her back - She wouldn't even let me explain everything. She looked so good in that robe I wanted to throw her down right there. But what I am kidding? I done fucked everything up. And I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

I needed her back. I didn't know what the fuck I was going to do. At least she knew the truth, I thought. She had to find out the hard way, but there is a part of me that feels released from the weights. The ball is in her park now and she threw me away. Well I would too if I were her. How can she ever trust me again? 

I drove until my eyes felt heavy and went to look for a motel. Mike was getting home by an Uber, and he had the keys to the cabin. I just wanted to be by myself for a while. 

Finally I spotted one and paid for a room. I shut the door and collapsed on the bed. It didn't take long before the exhaustion hit me and I went out.

The next morning I woke up as the sun blurred my eyes. I rolled over to look at the clock, 1pm. Damn! I slept late! It was Sunday. I needed to figure out some plans. I had to have a goal. I needed to do something or I wouldn't be able to get out of this slump. I was going to need money, so a job was what I had to find. I was going to need to prove to this woman, and myself, that I was a clean, responsible, hardworking man. And maybe, just maybe, she will give me another chance. 

What the hell am I thinking? She hates me. I hate me. But I'm not going to give up. I loved her. I can't live without her. Until she came along, I could live or die. But I wanna live! And I want to live it with her. 

I grabbed my phone on the nightstand and turned it on. Missed calls from the crew. One from Mike and texts messages from Angela.

"Hey, where are you at? I'm sorry. Please come back, I want to make it up to you." It read. I threw the phone against the wall, it shattered. Damn! I didn't mean to do that. I fucking hate them. I hate them all! I said to myself as I got up. I took a peak outside. The stolen car sat nicely, no one recognized it. Even with the stolen tags. 

After a shower and some straightening up, I left out. I paid the clerk for another night in the motel and took off. I didn't know where the hell I was heading but driving made me feel good. I just kept going until I was ready to stop. 

I ended up at our lake. Lake Pod. Where she had her legs wrapped around me in our rental boat. Right over there I looked. God if I could just explain to her without her shutting me out. She's hurt and she needs time. But when I do see her, I'm going to be a totally different person.

I went to a payphone and dialed my brother. I wanted to let him know I was alright. He answered on the first ring.

"Yo bro! Where the hell are you?" He asked. He was concerned.

"Hey I'm going to be away for a little while." I said but I didn't want to tell him where I was. I just wanted to be alone. 

"What happened man?" He asked.

"It's over bro, all of it." I played with the cord on the payphone. "She found out and I don't want to talk to the guys again."

"Damn man I'm sorry. I don't know where you are at but would you please at least answer your phone when I call?" He asked again.

"Phones broke bud." I admitted, "I'll call ya when I can. I just need some time alone."

"Alright man, I hope it's not long. I'll take care of the place and please call me when you can?" He pleaded.

"I will." And I hung up and walked back down to the lake. I sat down on the pier and gazed down at the water. I felt so empty inside. Like I had no pieces left. Thanks for a wonderful life dad! No, I can't keep blaming him. Hes dead. I know it. Hes been dead for a while now and I don't know where he is. Whoever killed him buried him well enough so no one would find him. I craved to know who did it. But that was the game. No questions asked. If you fuck up, your dead. 

I never fucked anything up. I just wanted out. I wanted a new life and I wanted to be happy with the woman I love. 

After I sat there for what seemed like hours. I got up and went to visit my mothers grave. I parked alongside the trees so I couldn't be noticed and walked up. Her headstone stood proudly. Old flowers that had rotted laid there, ready to be blown away. 

I knelt down and stared at her headstone. "Come on mom, give me some answers." I whispered.

"You left us with a piece of shit father. You left us to fend for ourselves. Why did you have to leave us?" I mumbled under my breath. But it wasn't her fault. She didn't want to die. She was murdered. And if she were here now she'd gotten us out of that environment a long time ago. I just know, she always tried to make the best of everything. Even though she had a wondering eye, she was hard worker. And we had nice clothes and great food on the table. 

I kissed my hand and placed it on the stone. Raised up and looked down. "Tell me what I gotta do to get her back?" I asked. If she could only hear me. Days when Mike or I tripped and fell and were bloody at the knees, she was there. Eye leveled, to sooth us. Where are you now mom? I need you...

I gave one last look at her headstone and walked away. I needed to figure out what to do, but first I need a new phone.