Until You

Mindy

The months passed by so slow. I hadn't even realized that it had been 8 months since I seen or heard from him. But that was of my choosing. I blocked him for my sake. And I didn't go to see him, even though my uncle suggest that I do. They really liked Tony, more than my parents ever did. And when my parents got wind of what happened, I got the "I told you so" talk. They wanted me to let him go, even though my father was starting to really like him, they didn't want me to get caught up in any trouble. I didn't care what they thought because I was happy with him, but only for a moment.

I still loved him very much. But I knew he wasn't good for me. This pain was unlike anything I've ever felt. I missed him so much. A part of me wanted to visit him and see how he was doing. But I thought if I went, he may think that I've forgiven him and wanted to be back together. So I just stayed away. But staying away was hell for the first few months. I went into a deep depression where I had a hard time getting out of bed. I let the girls take over the shop, as I couldn't get over the heartsickness of how "Over" my relationship with Tony was. But I was able to get back to work and I kept myself busy for the most part. 

Jake heard what had happened and he wanted to very much hook up. But I told him no. I just didn't want to be with anyone. I just wanted to be by myself. If I had dated anyone it wouldn't feel right. It wouldn't be Tony. I needed time. Well, a lot of time. I fell hard for him, it was going to take a lot of time to heal that wound. 

I went out with Jess a few times after she begged me numerous times to. We went out to a few karaoke places. I didn't drink much, drinking too much made me think of him. Jess was trying to match me with a few of her friends, but I just wasn't interested.

I went into work this morning and came home just like every other day. Got into the tub, sat and thought about things. Of how they could have been, of how Tony and I had once made love in this tub. I tried to erase that image as I got out and got into my pajamas. Went to my bed, opened a book and tried to concentrate on that, only to fall asleep with it still open in my hands. 

I thought about moving and starting over somewhere else. My mother even suggested it. I loved this place but there was a high chance Tony would try to come back. I didn't know what to do. 

I woke up the next morning and headed out for work and grabbed the mail that I forgot to check when I got home the other day. On the way to work, I saw the letter. It was from Tony. I could tell because he had his inmate number on it. I parked the car and tore it open. 

I read it and wept. I hated when he made me feel sorry for him. He didn't know how to apologize. He made me feel guilty for getting in trouble. He had to have known better that he was going to get caught soon. He needed help. He needed more direction besides me. He needed a full time Therapist, at least for now. I had hoped they provided that service for him in there. Even though I couldn't be with him, I still wanted the best for him. Deep down he was a beautiful person, but I couldn't raise him. I needed a partner, not a project.

I folded the letter up and dried my tears and headed into work. 

When I got home, I decided to write Tony back. So I sat down and wrote him a letter, sealed it and sent it off:

Dear Tony,

I've had some time to think. You suck at apologies. But I decided to write you because a part of me still cares for your wellbeing. I've been spending my time alone. I like it alone, no distractions. But every time something good happens, you come to my mind and I become depressed. I am trying to get over you. And it is almost impossible. I wouldn't mind being your friend when you get out, but nothing more. But there will be a few guidelines. I want you to go into Therapy and see a doctor. There are issues that I can't fix and only they and you can. I hope that you have learned from this and start thinking of what your actions does to other people. 

p.s. I would have waited until you were able to afford that ring! But like I said, I think we would be great friends for now. I am not looking to hook back up. Please respect that.

Mindy