Renverser | Overthrow | SKAM

Jeudi - Agony

"Hope you are proud of me
Now you're sad, I don't want that
But I'm sitting here all alone in difficult times, you don't call me
Think about what my mom did differently, put your hands in front of your face
Look me in the eye and you'll see where all the struggle is
Hope you are proud of everything I do
My tears are no longer worth anything when you laugh
And all these excuses are slowly worthless
Mama, I'll make you happy, yes, it was way too difficult for us

I quickly realized that something was wrong when I was young
I noticed that when I show feelings, I'm vulnerable
Baby, please don't hurt me, you know my heart was broken long ago
They all throw dirt at me, they've smelled the money for a long time
I promised myself my mom would never have to go back to work again
My dad was just hustling, I could never see him because of work
I see how it hurts him because he knows exactly what we are missing - more time, time."

Lucas doesn't want to interpret too much into his nightmare, but when he wakes up, he feels a little bit spooked.
His antidepressants are still sitting on his desk, still trying to coax him into taking them.
But Lucas ignores them, yet again, as he gets ready and makes his way to Uni.
He's trying to figure out what his nightmare could've meant.

While thinking about when to work on the two essays that has been assigned to them today, Lucas takes Isak's hand as they leave the Uni building.
Lucas feels this major sense of doom looming in the distance and no matter how much he tries to shake it off, it doesn't go away.
So he holds Isak's hand, squeezing it tightly as he presses a kiss to the other one's knuckles.
All he wants is holding onto Isak like this for the rest of his life, to protect him from his demons.

You have to heal yourself first before you can heal others, you cannot give me what you can no longer find in yourself.

What Isak has said in his nightmare haunts him and he hopes that he's doing a good job of making his boyfriend feel safe.
"Let's head over to my place, I want to put on something different for our date", Lucas announces as they walk up the stairs to the tram station.
Isak nods, and his slightly chapped lips leave a quick peck on his cheek.
Lucas opens the door for Isak, puts his jacket on the coat hanger and he offers him a drink.
Then he leaves to the bathroom to put on a black hoodie with a butterfly print on the front, the insect shining in electric blue.
Putting on a bit of perfume, he checks if his hair looks good before leaving the bathroom.

When he sits down at the kitchen table, Isak smiles.
"You smell good, you got a new perfume?", he asks and Lucas shakes his head no. "I've had it for quite a long time, actually", he replies and Isak empties his glass of water.
They head to Isak's place, Isak's made sure to clean up beforehand.
Lucas can't shake the looming feeling of doom in the back of his head, and he squeezes his hands to make the feeling go away.
"Alright, let's get going", Isak says and he opens a cabinet door in the kitchen, taking out pieces of toast.
He opens the fridge and takes out butter and cheese, Boursin as Lucas recognizes. Boursin goes great with bread and wine, so Lucas wonders if Isak is going to get a bottle of fruity red wine next.

"Here", Isak pulls Lucas out of his thoughts, "You can put the Boursin on there, then they're good to go."
Lucas spreads the creamy cheese all over the toasts, stealing a bit off of the wooden cutting board.
"Mhm", he hums, "You got the one with the garlic flavor."
Isak smirks. "I knew you were a garlic kind of guy", he says before he takes a bit of cheese and puts it between his front teeth.
Lucas takes the hint and their lips connect as the bits of cheese slip into their mouths.

The cheese toasties turn out great and they enjoy them while sitting in Isak's room.
Neither of them know that each other's depressive symptoms are getting worse, yet they both don't say no to sharing a joint, both desperately wanting to self-medicate their depression. It was a contradiction, not taking their antidepressants which were supposed to help, but instead turning to smoke weed, which was the opposite of helpful when suffering from depression. It makes it even worse.
But neither of them would want to miss the relaxing effect in their lives, risking for things to get worse in the process.

Soon, they start to loosen up a little bit.
Lucas addresses his worries about feeling he's not doing a good enough job at protecting Isak.
"Hey, hey", Isak interrupts him, "You're doing a great job, I'd trust you with my drink at a party. You're making me feel safe and loved, I promise."
Lucas blinks, his throat feeling dry. "Are you sure?", he asks, trying to let his guard down. Isak licks his lips. "Ja, a thousand percent."

Time melts away on the clock as they talk, the worry of having to write two essays before next week is suddenly forgotten.
Lucas is so caught up in his head, in worrying, in feeling nothing but also everything, that he almost doesn't notice the few tears that slip out of Isak's eyes.
It throws Lucas for a loop, he doesn't understand Isak's sudden outburst of sadness. It's such a deep sadness, too, making Lucas question everything he's done tonight all over again.
Has he been checking up on Isak enough? Hasn't he been good enough of a boyfriend?
Suddenly, Isak gets up, storming out of the room.
Lucas is confused, for the second time tonight, but he decides to leave, too.

As he walks out the front door, he hears steps coming closer from behind him.
"Where are you going?", Isak asks and Lucas can almost feel the agony in his voice.
"Quoi? I thought that you had left", Lucas asks, visibly confused.
"No, I had to leave for a second-", Isak mutters and something inside of Lucas breaks.
"But I don't understand! I thought you'd left because you don't love me! I left because I can't take it anymore!", he lets out, his forehead wrinkled, a few tears coming out of his ocean blue eyes.
"No, no, I do love you, it's just, it's just that I-", Isak stutters, stumbling over his words as he sees the despair in Lucas' face increasing.
"I can put two and two together! Does that mean that you can't be around me anymore because you're too depressed yourself?", Lucas blurts out, the tears don't stop coming.

Isak takes a deep breath. Lucas has just revealed what Isak has suspected for a while, that he's depressed, and knowing, that Lucas feels probably the same as Isak does makes him sad.
"No, I just can't take it!", Isak suddenly blurts out, "I just can't take you and your depression anymore! It breaks my heart knowing that I don't know how to help you when I don't know how to help myself! I didn't want to ask you flat out if you were depressed, I was afraid that you would isolate yourself from me, fearing that I don't want anything to do with you anymore. But Lucas, I am depressed myself, so I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do to heal myself to heal you. I don't know how to fix my severe depression, so how could I know what to do to fix yours?"

His breathing is loud in his ears, Lucas' sobs ring through the stairwell. "I'm suffering from major depressive disorder, for the record", Lucas says coolly, raking a hand through his hair.
Isak tries to take Lucas' hand but the other dodges his touch.
"C'mon, let's sit down inside and talk this out", Isak says quietly, "We're adults, right? We should be able to talk this out."
But Lucas shakes his head no. "Some other time, Isak", he says, and with that he turns on his heel and leaves.
Isak looks after him, but all he sees is an ocean of blurriness because of his tears.

Lucas ripped his heart out and left with it.

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[Word count: 1435 words]

Heartbreak.
The lyrics at the top are from the song "Mary" by TYM.