Renverser | Overthrow | SKAM

Dimache - Damaged

"How can you love someone so damaged?
Feel it in my palms, feeling so beyond
You don't know I am respawned
Everyday this thing gets harder to manage
Been there from the start
Even when you saw the black that's covering my heart
I showed you scars that are deeper than what you have known
And you tell me I've never looked more beautiful
So I'm sorry that I'm damaged
I'm sorry for the pain
I'm sorry that you probably have to deal with it again."

Isak goes to Lucas' place the next day, the uneasy feeling in his stomach almost makes him throw up.
But he tries to ignore the feeling as he waits for Lucas to open the door.

"Salut", Lucas says once he's opened the door.
"Hi", Isak replies shyly as he walks in, not knowing whether to hug Lucas or not.
He decides to hug him, it may look awkward but at least he gets to hold Lucas in his arms again.
They stay like that for a while before they let go of each other, Lucas awkwardly closes the door as Isak walks further into the apartment.

In the kitchen, they sit down at the kitchen table.
"I'm sorry for walking out on you like that", Lucas begins as he kneads his hands that are placed in his lap, "I just didn't know what else to do at that moment."
Isak looks down at his hands before looking into Lucas' ocean blue eyes again. The guilt that seeps out of them is heart-wrenching.
"It's okay", Isak says, "I'm glad that we got back together in the end, regardless of what happened."
Lucas nods slowly. Isak can tell from the other's body language that he's been having a rough time as well.
Then he remembers what he wanted to ask Lucas.

"Lucas, why don't you tell me what's it like for you? I mean, I've done some research, but I think if we want to make this work, I need to get an insight on what your depression feels like to you and you need to understand what it's like from my perspective", Isak says before swallowing the lump that has been forming in his throat.
Lucas takes a deep breath.
"For me, major depressive disorder feels like this heavy cloud of darkness, this heavy burden that's weighing me down and that causes me to think that I'm the problem, that I'm actually weighing myself down. It distorts how I perceive certain things. Let's say we're having a fight and you say that situation A happened. My perception of it may be only a little different from that, but in my head, it suddenly turns to situation B, which is totally different from what you're talking about.
But aside from these things, I feel unmotivated to do things, schoolwork or laundry or whatever. I also struggle with psychotic symptoms from time to time, mostly when I'm doing really, really bad.
When I take my medication, I can function pretty well. Most of the time, though, I don't take it because it makes me feel weird as if I'm suddenly not myself anymore", he explains as Isak listens attentively.

"That's good to know because now I know how to react. If we ever get into a fighting situation where I perceive something that you might perceive differently, I'll try my best to understand how you look at it, and then I'll tell you what my perception of it looks like", Isak says and Lucas nods, a small smile on his lips.
"So, what's it like for you? I've read online that people who suffer from severe depression suffer from feelings of guilt, suicidal thoughts, and so on. I'd love to know what I can do to support you whenever those feelings are very intense", he then asks and Isak smiles shyly.

"I'm glad that you asked because it's pretty difficult. I feel guilty most of the time, which pains me since I know that I've done nothing wrong, and yet I feel guilty. And the suicidal thoughts flare up every now and then. Mostly during the darker episodes of my depression. Because contrary to popular belief, I don't always feel sad. During the times where I'm fine, to some degree, I'm very productive and I like to go out and have fun. I get my work done and I feel somewhat good. But that doesn't last long, which is why I have to take medication to get me through the day.
And especially since going to University requires the maximum amount of attention, work, and concentration, I really should be taking it but I don't, for the most part. And as far as supporting me goes, I think that can shift from day to day. Sometimes, a hug can make me feel better, sometimes I need to take a nap. It depends. But overall, spending time with you makes me feel less alone with my thoughts already. So if we want to make our relationship work, we both need to work on taking our medication", Isak replies, looking down at his feet for a second before meeting Lucas' gaze again.