Renverser | Overthrow | SKAM

Samedi - Stinging light

"I know what it feels like to fall and I know what it's like to fly into space (Into space)
I know what it's like when you love and I know what it's like when love doesn't last (Doesn't last)
I know what it is like when you have money and you always pay because your friends don't have anything (don't have anything)
And I know how it is when you have nothing and then nobody is there because you are a burden (a burden)
I know what it's like when your parents yell at each other, every problem is like a wall (Same)
Know what it is like when the frustration has to come out and what it is like when you are reported (reported)
Know what it's like when there's nothing behind you but a huge hole (Huge hole)
Know what it's like to be late at school because parents are fighting (fighting)"

When Isak wakes up the next morning, he feels the strong urge to throw up.
He's never felt so horrible in his life, at least he can't remember a time where he wanted the ground to swallow him whole as he does right now.
So he starts to cry, hoping that it'll make him feel better.
But when that doesn't work, he decides to turn to Google for advice.

Lucas' bitter words from yesterday come back into his head.
I suffer from major depressive disorder, for the record.
He types major depressive disorder into the Google search bar, chewing nervously on his bottom lip.
The Wikipedia article pops up, so Isak decides to read that first.
While reading the first paragraph, the tears keep coming and coming.

He then goes on to read more about the signs and symptoms.
'Depressed people may be preoccupied with—or ruminate over—thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt or regret, helplessness or hopelessness. In severe cases, depressed people may have symptoms of psychosis', which sticks to his mind as post-it notes stick to almost any surface.
Eventually, Isak has to stop reading, his vision blurry from crying.
He stares at his laptop, drilling holes into it in hopes of receiving answers to his questions.

Meanwhile, Lucas tries his best to stay busy.
He does his laundry, sitting down on one of those uncomfortable chairs while waiting for it to be done.
Ever since he woke up in the morning, he's been trying to ignore the urge to look for information about Isak's depression on Google.
Now, since he's bored anyway, he decides to do it.

He finds out that Isak has possibly been suffering from suicidal thoughts, feelings of guilt, and the physical symptoms that often appear in those with depression - fatigue, headaches, or digestive problems.
In some ways, they suffer from the same symptoms, yet their depressive disorders are so fundamentally different.
Lucas wants to ask Isak if he has ever spent a week in bed, too exhausted to do anything. If friends or family members ever had to come and help out, if his family even supported him, and if he's taking his antidepressants or not.
But at the same time, he doesn't want to bombard him, doesn't want to overwhelm him.
Lucas also feels like he doesn't have the right to talk to Isak after he has left him like that.

Frustrated, he keeps on reading, trying to get more information.
Knowledge is power, right? And Lucas wants to be on top of things again, so the more knowledge that he can get, the more powerful he'll feel.
Lucas also tries to ignore the urge to text Isak. He desperately wants to do something, to let him know that he's not going to drop him after what has happened.
But he feels as if he's too vulnerable and Isak's emotions are too raw as well. The waves must first be smoothed out.

Isak sets his laptop down on his nightstand and curls up in bed, releasing all of his sadness.
He really wants to send Lucas a text, he wants to let him know that he's still there for him, that he still loves him.
But he decides against it, crying and sobbing louder instead.

Lucas takes his laundry back to his apartment.
He hangs it up to dry in his living room, then he tries to distract himself by studying and finishing up a presentation.
Unfortunately, he can't concentrate on anything, therefore he retreats to his room.
All he can think about is how good it felt to hold hands with Isak, how loved he made him feel, and how much he misses him.
Lucas closes his eyes, desperately trying to fall asleep to think about something other than his feelings of guilt, his emotional anguish, and Isak.

But there he is again, right in front of his eyes, laughing his adorable laugh, his eyes glowing with happiness.
Happiness, something that neither of them is feeling currently.
As much as Lucas hates himself for thinking like that, he feels that Isak would be better off without him.

Isak sits up in his bed. He walks to the bathroom, washes the salt tracks off his face, and puts on a hoodie.
"I need to get myself back together", Isak mumbles to himself as he sits down at his desk and starts working.
He spends almost two hours getting essays and studying for upcoming exams done before he decides to do something else.
"Halla, Jonas", Isak greets his friend over the phone.
"Halla, man. How are you doing? Is it getting worse?", Jonas asks concerned, he can tell by the tone of Isak's voice that his friend isn't feeling good at all.

"Well, yeah, but there's also something that I kind of need your help with", Isak replies, chewing nervously on his thumbnail.
"Yeah sure, go ahead, man. I'm ready", Jonas says and Isak feels a refreshing sense of relief.
"Uhh, well, there's this young man, this guy called Lucas. He's at my University and we've been hanging out, talking, we went out partying. I fell in love, we fell in love and now we've kind of told each other that we're both suffering from different kinds of depression", Isak tells his friend.
"He left after we sort of blurted that out. I tried to make him stay, to talk it out, but he left, and then we both sort of crashed.
I don't think that he walked out on me since he had only asked me to be in a long-term relationship with him a little while ago", he adds, waiting for Jonas' response.

"Uhh, I don't know what to say, that was a lot", Jonas says, "But I think you should show him that you want him back. Or maybe you should wait it out to see if he wants you back just as badly as you do. I honestly don't know, I'm bad at giving advice."
But Isak shakes his head, not visible to Jonas.
"No, that was great. I think I'll just wait it out for a day or two until I'll let him know", Isak says.
"Great. I wish you good luck", Jonas says and Isak thanks him before hanging up.
Now he needs to wait it out, which is going to be the painful part.
Isak likes to do things right away, another similarity between him and Lucas, and sitting around and doing nothing pains him.

After Lucas is done with crying, he decides that he can't wait any longer.
He needs to know how Isak is doing, he needs to be with him again.
And as much as it pains him to text him after leaving him, he does it anyway. The only thing more horrible than his thoughts is the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach.
'Hey Isak, I'm sorry about what has happened between us. I didn't mean to leave you like that. You're right, we're adults and we should be able to talk things out. Again, I'm sorry and I miss you. I love you, Lucas', his text message reads and Lucas quickly sends it before he can overthink it too much.
Too many emotions are rushing through his body and Lucas feels overwhelmed. Lucas feels overwhelmed easily, especially when he's in the midst of a depressive episode like he is currently.
He allows himself to release his feelings, the hot stream of tears feels freeing on his skin.

As Isak gets ready to go to bed - he doesn't know what else to do other than sleeping - his phone buzzes.
A text message from Lucas, Isak's heart almost stops beating.
He doesn't know how to feel, there are questions he wants to ask.
So he decides to text Lucas back, 'hey Lucas, let's talk about everything tomorrow at your place. Love, Isak.'
He does want Lucas to know that he loves him, but he doesn't want to sound like he's dying of desperation to get him back.
Which, on the inside, he secretly is.

Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a soft and tender relief.
Sometimes it's a stinging light, which has to hurt first before it can heal.

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[Word count: 1515 words]

Uhh, uhh, baby be mine.
The lyrics at the top are from the song "Weiter", "Continue" by Sierra Kidd.