The Independent Women's Club

[18] How I say 'I love you' instead of saying 'I love you'

<18>

"I'm sorry. I don't understand what—can you repeat what you just said?"

"I'm in love with you. That's what I wanted to say."

That night, I heard the most surprising confession, which I never thought would be possible to hear from Julian. Strange enough, when he said those words, I felt very nervous, but at the same time excited. Just the thought of hearing those words coming from his own mouth made me realize my real feelings for him in an instant.

I fell in love with Julian, but before I could tell him about it, he vanished after that night.

Everything felt like a wonderful dream not until I woke up from my long sleep. In just a snap, I lost the paradise. The next thing I know, I came back from reality. I went back to my old routine; to my old boring life. Just like that, I went back to being the old Kelly Astral.

"Nothing has changed, after all."

I took a sip from my hot chocolate while staring at Julian's room from my veranda. I smiled when I suddenly remember the first time we met. I'm wondering how he's doing right now. The memories I've shared with him were still fresh on my mind. It felt like everything just happened yesterday, but in reality, we already reached the month of December. Wherever I go, I can feel the vibe of Christmas. The world didn't change. It still keeps moving.

"I hope you're enjoying the time of your life right now."

I don't know what happened, but since the day he left, I tried to bury all the questions inside my head. I always try to convince myself that he's not Julian if he's not capable of surprising me with his words and actions. I admit that there are times when I feel like I was left behind, but on the other side, I knew that there's a reason why he did what he did.

I still enjoy what I have right now just like how I did it before he came into my life. Nothing will change just because he left. I don't want to question myself anymore, and I don't want to go back to my old habit of overthinking.

I won't wait for him; I won't cling onto his words; I won't give myself false hopes; but one thing is for sure, if ever he comes back to my life again, I would always welcome him with open arms.

"I will just stay right here, but if ever you're coming back, I hope you're not too late."

I went back inside after finishing my drink. I turned on my speaker and played a song before heading to the kitchen. My girlfriends will be having their lunch here so I have to prepare the food in advance. We couldn't see each other for a month because they were all busy. I'm the only one who have so much time in my hands. Old routine and habits, like what I mentioned.

The truth is, I'm in a swamp right now, and it's stressing the hell out of me. I feel like I'm not making any progress with my new novel, plus the pressure from people who are expecting a lot on my next work. I'm feeling frustrated, and it's not getting any better. That's why I'm planning to go to the prayer mountain next week. It's supposed to be Julian and I's next discovery, but since he's not around anymore, I have to go there alone, which is not a bad idea. 

"What do we have here, Chef?"

I didn't notice the arrival of my friends not until Solar approached me while I'm setting the table. She took the plates to help me out.

"You're spacing out again," Solar told me.

"That's an old habit. Why would you even ask?" I responded.

She raised her left eyebrow. "Before, you're spacing out because you're really spacing out. But based on what I see right now, you're spacing out because you're thinking about something so deep."