Tides of Fate | ᴍᴀʀᴀᴜᴅᴇʀs ᴇʀᴀ

23 | Rarely Pure, Never Simple

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-- CARINA'S FLAT 

Carina was eternally grateful for the week of quiet that followed that disastrous night. The next day, Moody sent the Prewetts on an urgent mission unrelated to the actual Order. She almost sometimes forgot they were ministry-employed workers, and working for the secret organization was only their side job. Everyone else went back to their busy lives, but Carina had a welcome respite. 

Unlike many of her other friends, she was actually wholly employed by the Order. Sirius, Frank, Alice, and Peter had full-time jobs within the ministry. Lily was at St. Mungo's, and while she hoped to use her skills to help the Order, she'd still be a healer all within its own right. James was a professional quidditch player, and being part of the Order was definitely an undercover part of his life. She almost felt jealous of them. When Dumbledore had first recruited her, he'd won her over with his impression of dire need and duty, insisting he'd need her concentration fully on the Order's operations. But every now and then, she'd become anxious about not having any safety net or backup plan. The Order and this war had consumed her life.   

However, once a blue moon, she'd get a quiet week- like this week. With the aurors preoccupied with non-Order business, Carina essentially had no tasks. Dumbledore left her to her own devices when Moody didn't have anything for her. Carina used that treasured time to continue her potions work. 

Perfect timing since she'd used the entirety of her stock on Gideon Prewett recently. 

It also gave her an excuse to confine herself to her little haven of a flat. Carina was still too embarrassed to face her friends. It was a small blessing that she'd managed to work things out with Lily the very same night it all happened. Alice, bless her soul, had guessed it all along and never voiced the truth none of them had wanted to face. Carina was grateful to feel secure with her girls. 

But the thought of facing any of the marauders, let alone James, was absolutely crippling. She'd seen the looks of horror and pity on Remus and Sirius's faces the night she'd blurted out she'd fallen for James. They'd known during Hogwarts too, but like her, they had little faith in the situation back then. She didn't blame them- she knew they supported her unconditionally. It wasn't even a lack of faith in James because he'd been pretty clear about his intentions always- even back then. It was more that none of them had any faith in fighting the tide of the inevitable, forces greater than themselves. 

James and Lily's story was a decade-long saga, even if the majority of it had been them bickering. It wasn't as though Carina had expected to fall for James. She'd never even thought of him like that, not even when they first started their charade. But the blurred lines between staged affection, genuine affection, and being there for each other in moments of vulnerability had snuck up on her. Carina hadn't lied to Lily when she said it was just a crush- a spark of potential. It was beautiful when it happened, but it burned bright and quick like a comet. And at the time, Carina's priorities were securing her makeshift family after they left the sanctuary of Hogwarts. Trying to explore whatever she'd felt for James back then would've been a mistake that would've ultimately created an unwanted distance between her and her support system of friends. Being the prodigy arithmancer she was, Carina knew it was not a smart decision for the ends she was trying to reach. 

Facing James now was a whole different story. Back then, Carina hadn't thought twice about lying about her feelings. She thought she was saving them all unnecessary complications and pain, believing it would just be simpler for everyone if she kept it inside. But by making that unilateral decision, she'd deprived both James and Lily of informed choices. 

She didn't regret it. Lily said her selfish choice was to believe the lie Carina fed her because it was convenient, even though a small voice told her something was off. Well, Carina's selfish choice was to hold all the cards to herself in an attempt to protect the future she wanted. She didn't like risks, and revealing the truth was not a risk she was willing to take, even if the others deserved the truth. But for the first time since she'd made that decision, it was James's expression that made her feel a twinge of regret.