Living For Tomorrow

CHAPTER 17

Jahrae

I've stayed up countless nights wondering about the inevitability of death, thinking about how and when.

Would it be painful and sudden or slow and unexpected?

Who would miss me?

What would I put in my will?

These are all good questions, but I never expected to have found out the answer this soon, because as of right now Brian and Alexis are anchoring me down with their stare of steel. I think I have 3 minutes....give or take... before I am brutally murdered.

"What is she doing-, what are they doing here Jahrae." Alexis asks, by her tone and the way doesn't use my nickname, I know she means business.

Having reached the maximum level of fear at this point I try to speak but only end of looking like a  fish out of water as I gape at her.

"What?, cat caught your tongue." Tiffany instigates surely wanting this to go badly.

I direct my attention to A&B ignoring Tiffany's call for confusion "Look, I know that we all aren't the best of friends but, Marie is important to me" I pause to look at her and resume," and so is Alexis and Brian.  I'm honestly so done with everyone going at each others throats, why is it so hard for both sides of my equation to just get along"

"I don't know Jahrae maybe because your girlfriend is a privileged bitch that only cares about herself." Alexis says challenging Marie with her words.

"How am I the bitch Alexis, we used to be friends!!. Do you even hear yourself,  since everything's happened you've just been such a fucking asshole because you believe so strongly that you're on this high horse and that Alexis can do no fucking wrong, you're convinced that you know what's best for Jahrae but you only care about yourself." Marie voice cracks but she continues.

"Did you for a second, think that maybe I was struggling too, that I was just putting on a facade because I needed at least one of us to be ok. I couldn't have shown that what happened affected- " Marie stops as she no longer can hold her emotions in and her rant is cut off by her tears.

I immediately try to reach out to comfort her but Alexis' emotionless voice interjects, " Don't fall for it J, this is one of her games, just like the one that got you into this mess in the first place."

"Alexis enough" Brian injects.

"Do you want me to say it Alexis because if yes then OK!!, It was me, I'm the reason it happened,I'm the reason that girl is dead" Marie shouts out in complete distress before she grabs her things and walk away from the table her friends rushing behind.

I'm too shocked to move a muscle so I just sit there and watch her walk away,

"J it's for the be-"

"Really Lex, that's what you have to say, you push and push and continue pushing even when the balloon pops, and it's like you'll never learn." I stop to stare at her hoping that my words cut through her rib cage and find some sort of empathy in her heart. "Jahrae I-"    "Save it, I hope your happy Lex, I really wish this was all worth it for you." And in perfect timing the bells rings.

I stand my ground and watch as Alexis gets her stuff and leave not even bothering to look me in my eye.

I glance over at a wide eyed Brian as he says "What the fuck just happened."

"I don't know man, but I feel like shit."

"Jahrae you know that I support you but I think you've been too caught with whatever it is that's been bothering you to the ponit that you no longer understand that you're not alone on the battle field." He finishes getting up and patting me on the back before heading off to the direction that Alexis went.

Maybe everyone would just be better of without me.

I collect my things and head to the parking lot not having the energy to deal with classes. Getting into my car I put my stuff in the passenger seat and allow my head to fall against the steering wheel repeatedly, until I can't take the pain anymore.

I can't help but think about everything that was said,

"Does Alexis really blame Marie for what happened?"

"Why did Marie assume that Grace is dead?"

"Was Brian right, am I being selfish and only thinking about my issues?"

I guess there's only one way to find out, and I'm gonna start with Marie, it's about time we talked.

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I'm currently sitting on my bed, contemplating whether I should try to call Marie again, for obvious reasons she isn't answering but I really need to talk to her.

I decided to call again and as she once again doesn't answer I leave a voicemail, "It's me again, I know that things didn't really go according to plan this lunch, not that it was any much of a plan but I'm really sorry and I hoped that we can talk, I'm finally ready so if you're ready too just call me back or come over, please I need you." I end the voicemail and rub my temples trying to relieve a bit of tension.

I continue to stare up at the ceiling as I anxiously await any notification that would indicate to me  that Marie has received my message.

I know I've been thinking badly about her lately but believe it or not I'm in love with her, at least I was. Now I'm not  sure about anything and I don't trust myself anymore, I'm trying not to hurt anyone else.

A knock on my window alerts me and I cautiously pull back the curtain expecting to see Alexis, because she's the only friend of mine that doesn't use the front door. But to my surprise as I pull back the curtain and open the window I'm met with the teary eyed and makeup stained face of Marie.