Living For Tomorrow

CHAPTER 18

Jahrae

"Hey what's wrong, what happened?" I ask trying my best to help her into my room, Marie crosses over my window and sits on my desk chair with her head between her hands.

I approach her cautiously and I drop to her level slowly attempting to pull her hands away from her face, "Baby, look at me, why are you upset."

I don't know what I said wrong but Marie bursts into even more tears, god I'm really not equipped to handle these kind of situations well.

I stand up and put my hand out to her, "Come on, at least come on the bed and make yourself comfortable." I suggest but she still seems occupied with crying. "We can cuddle?" I add causing her to perk up and her reaction makes me laugh.

For a moment everything stops and my heart feels like its contracting. Images of Marie and I tangled in my bed sheets, laughter echoing off of the walls and nothing but love taking up all the space in the air. How did something so beautiful turn in to this mess?

Marie takes my hand and I lead her over to my bed, sitting first and patting the place next to me. She watches me and then the floor and I can see her hesitation. "Jahrae I, I'm sorry for what I did, that night, I should've listened to you, you told me, begged me, but I didn't listen and it's cost me everything." She stops and finally looks me in eyes that are filled with so much unspoken words and then she continues , " I love you Jahrae, more than I've ever loved anyone or anything and It fucking hurts that we've become so distant, that I've let you push me away, for heavens sake we've pushed eachother away. And I know that you hate me but-" I immediately stop her and stand directly in front of her.

I trace my hands up her arms until they're cupping both sides of her face, I pass my thumb over her fallen tear and inches myself closer to her, "Marie I couldn't hate you even if I tried, and believe me I've tried." This causes her to smile and she teasingly smacks me on my hand as she responds. "I didn't think you could've even gotten  more annoying."

I fake gasp, acting like I'm hurt, making my reaction as dramatic as possible, I do this because all I want right now is to see her laugh and it works because not long after she's laughing but with tears in her eyes.

" Hey,I thought we were going good , why the tears" I remark pulling her close to me and protectively wrapping my arms around her waist.

"It's just that right now feels like how it use to and it's making me a bit emotional,"  she admits wrapping her hand around my neck. "I miss you,  I miss us".

I lift her up and she wraps her legs tightly around my hips. "I missed you too Marie," and with every signal pointing in the right direction I inch my lips toward her watching for her consent, she gives me my answer when she bends down and connects my lips with hers.

I wrap my arms tighter, afraid that she'll slip away again and I deepen our kiss. I feel my muscle memory start to kick in as I move over to my bed laying Marie down and hovering over her.

I break the kiss to look at her and savor the moment before I help her adjust herself better onto the bed and lean in resting my face in the crook of her neck . I can feel her pulse quicken as I lace her with kisses starting from her collar bone and down her chest.

I touch her exposed skin where her top has risen up and raise my eye level to hers, "I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to do."

Marie responds by taking it upon herself to pull her top over her head, and reveal herself to me. I feel my sweats tighten as I look down at her bra-less frame. "Fuck I've missed you,".

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Marie is currently sound asleep with her head rested on my chest and her naked body cocooned around mine.

It could be the fact that I'm presently in a state of bliss and I'm imagining things, but there's this faint smile that rest upon  her face as she sleeps, and it only makes me feel like waking her up just so that we can do this all over again and again, and again.

Apart of me feels like we should've talked more before committing the unholy act, but everything just happened so fast, not that I'm I'm complaing though, a man will always be a man.

I use my hand resting on her exposed back to trail heart shapes her along skin. I don't want to think about any negative shit right now but  I can't help it, it's in my nature.

After Marie fell asleep I've been raking my mind for answers, for particularly one very important question.

Do I still love her?, I know I told her that I can never hate her but that doesn't suggest that I still love her. I feel horrible that I couldn't say it back,  but I don't want to force myself unless I'm sure.

I miss her , I genuinely do, but is this interaction going to satisfy me or just make me crave for more.

Does this mean that we're back toghter not that we ever broke up but, are we going back to nights and moments like this.

Me sneaking her into my room at ungodly hours to do ungodly things. Her taking me out of my house and trying to convince me to go parties and places that I feel like I don't belong.

Are we gonna go back to skipping our classes and spending our free time "reading" in the library.

Will Alexis and Brian finally feel comfortable with welcoming her back into their lives.

I don't even feel comfortable with how easy this feels.

And most importantly, I can't shake the thought of  her, everything from her soft dark skin, her full curly hair that looks like you can get lost in it.

I can't shake the thoughts of Grace Jones, and I know it's wrong to be thinking about her like this, and I know that if Marie and I get close again I'll need to stop. But, 

I don't want to.