Living For Tomorrow

CHAPTER 27

Jahrae

Since the accident I couldn't think of any other time I'd felt more alive. My imagination dismissed the thought of any other moment that could possibly amount to seeing life in her for the first time, with eyes that looked right back at me.

Brown, just like I imagined.

Considering how darkened with guilt my heart and mind had been these past months, I was enthralled by the fact that just for a moment, there was light. Suddenly there was nothing more captivating than seeing someone move, talk and react. And for the first time in a long time, I smiled on the inside.

I couldn't pause the constant replay of her in my mind. I couldn't help but relive the moment I first laid eyes on her,the sound of her voice and the innocent uncertainty in her stance.

Yet amongst everything that is currently perfect, lies the subtle feelings of fear and confusion.

I'm terrified that one good look at me, and she'd immediately remember me as the person who ruined her.
I'm terrified that I won't be able to stay away, and that'll I'll find ways to become a constant in her life.

It terrifies me that even with knowing what I should and shouldn't do, the thought of doing the right thing and leaving her alone still seems so foreign, and it's causing my emotions to erupt in complete chaos.

One second I'm smiling ear to ear thinking about her smile and the way the conversation between us felt just right. And the next, I'm racking through my brain trying to ensure that nothing I said could've exposed me for the selfish, manipulator that I am.

I already smelt the blood in the water the moment I regarded her as Grace, and she corrected me stating that her name was Riley.

Riley, her middle name.

What did I miss?

Did I talk too fast or too slow?
Did my facial expression unconsciously reveal the fact that I was going berserk on the inside?
Did she notice how I hesitated before I spoke, in hopes of not saying the wrong things?

And the biggest question of all, did she remember me?

It's naive of me to entertain that thought since we were complete strangers to eachother before the incident.

Grace Jones didn't exists in the life of Jahrae Adams, and I'm having a hard time deciding on whether I want it to stay that way or not.

~~

I'm sitting at my desk practicing my music, when I hear someone's footsteps ascending up the stairs. Unaware that my parents were to be home at an earlier time, I hastily stopped playing and slid my guitar under my bed.

My dad opens the door letting himself in and completely disregards me as he saunters around my room, with both of his hands rested in his pockets. "Can I help you?" I ask, noticing he has no interest in being the one who starts the conversation.

He leans against a bare wall, folding his arms before stating, "Your mother told me that you found out about Grace."

"Alright, what about it?" I inquire, already recognizing the path he wants to take this.

"Stay away from her Jahrae, I'm not going to tell you twice." He demands in hopes of intimidating me.

"You know since the accident you haven't once asked me how I feel?" I inform him, sickly laughing at the situation. "You're so convinced that everything you did was to protect me, and that I should somehow feel like I fucking owe you for whatever the fuck it is that you did. Guess what father, I could've handled it better on my own, and all you did was make it worse." I argued, feeling my heart rate increase with anger.

My father stood there emotionless not once breaking our eye contact. "You want to blame me? go ahead, but you were the one behind the wheel, you were the one incompetent enough to decide that is was smart to drive that night, and you're the reason she was sent to the hospital." He finishes, still showing no emotion, "If you must blame me for something Jahrae, it's my fault that I didn't raise you into a proper man, a man mature enough to handle his own issues. If I had to give you any fatherly advice right now, it'll be to grow up."

My fist roll at my sides and I clench my teeth in an attempt to hold myself back from doing or saying something I'd regret.

My father finally leans off of the wall and makes his way towards the door. Before leaving, he looks at me one last time and says, "Your mother's waiting on you for dinner, you're going to come downstairs and act like everything between us is fine, because god help me if you even dare make her upset."

The second he closes the door behind him I feel a tear slide down my right cheek.

He's right, I'm pathetic and he would've been better off with anyone else as his son. I see the way he watches me out the corner of his eye, as he praises Koda wishing that I were more like him. I feel the tension in the room when my mom asks me to reconsider joining the football team, since she knows it'll please her husband if I played more sports. And above all, I notice the pained expression on his face everytime we interact. It's as if he wants to love me because I'm his son, but he's torn in how disappointed and ashamed he feels knowing we come from the same blood.

A day never passes where I don't consider solving all his problems by simply removing myself. I continuously indulge in the thought of disappearing and freeing my family of such a burden. But I'm too weak to do it, I'm not man enough to take my own life, and if that isn't enough reason to further believe everything thing that my dad has forever instilled in me, then I don't know what is.