The Burning of Summer

Chapter Thirty Six

Chapter Thirty Six

"Bakit ba napakahirap mong magpatawad?" tanong sa akin ni Zydney habang nasa gitna kami karagatan, sa yateng pagmamay-ari nila.

It's been days since I came back from that place. Noong araw mismo ng pasko, habang tulog pa ang pamilya ni Reid ay dumating si Pierre, sobrang kagalakan ang naramdaman ko nang makita ito roon. Umalis na rin kami kaagad, wala akong ibang dala dahil hindi naman ako ang namili ng mga damit na nasa kwartong gamit ko. I do not want anyone to see me walking out of that place so we didn't stay any longer.

"Hindi ko rin alam, ganito na yata talaga ako."

Kahapon pa kami nasa laot, ang sabi nga ni Zydney ay nagtatago nanaman daw ako. Bahala siya kung anong gusto niyang isipin. Basta ayaw ko na lang munang manatili sa lugar kung saan pwede akong puntahan ni Reid o maaari ko siyang makita.

"I am bound to Quezon tomorrow by the way.." uminom ako saglit ng lemonade at bumalik sa pagkakahiga.

"So you've decided to celebrate the New Year with your family?"

"In my experience, it will be much better to do so." tumawa ito sa naging sagot ko.

"Do you know?"

"Know what?"

"That real love has a habit of coming back." sabi nito na sinagot ko naman.

"And did you know?" bumaling ako dito. "That one lie can end a million trust?" We both smiled because we both know how that feels like. We both suffered heartache. "Do you think I made the right decision?" tanong ko sa kaniya.

"Well, do you feel that you made the right move?" aniya. "Because if you're not then you made a wrong one."

Pinakiramdaman ko tuloy ang sarili ko dahil sa sinabi niya. My heart is still in pain. Pushing him away obviously did not ease the pain I'm feeling and pushing him away definitely did not gave me some contentment.

I sighed in deep confusion.

"How about this and I want you to answer me very honestly.." Bumuntong hininga muna ito. "Do you love him still?"

How do I answer that? Do I? Still?

I know there were a lot of times when I was tempted to hear any news about him back in New York, at sobra sobra ang pagpipigil ko sa sarili na hindi gawin iyon.

At ganoon din ang pagpipigil ko upang huwag siyang isipin. Kaya nga ba at sinubsob ko ang sarili sa trabaho, so that I am too occupied and too busy to even think of him for a second.

And when I saw him again, I tried to ignore it but the fast beating of my heart is as fast as it was when I first saw him. And no, I don't believe that it was love at first sight for me, or at least that's what I want to think.

I still won't admit that I long for him. For his attention, for his touch, for his hugs, for his eyes that I love looking into too much, the way he speaks, the way he frowns, the way he smiles, the way he sleeps, when his eyes are closed and I would just stare at him for hours as he peacefully sleeps, I long for just about everything about him.

All of him.

And do I love him still when I felt excruciating pain when I pushed him away? Is that how it normally feels like when you're in love with someone?

Because if the answer to Zydney's question is yes then I'll be damned.

I painfully gave Zydney a small smile and I bet she already know my answer.

She sighed before turning back her gaze to the ocean.

After spending some time with her, I made my way back to Quezon. Maaga palang ay bumyahe na ako papunta roon at eksaktong alas dose ng tanghali ay nakarating ako.