Disconnected

Chapter Twenty (Therapy)

"What!" I say, "We have a family session for . . . Therapy? Are you insane?" If they are insane Tat least it makes sense for the whole "family therapy" thing.

"It's just a one-time thing," my mom persist, "Ms. Brooks asked to do one so she can see where we're all at, mentally and fiscally."

"I have a mathletes thing to say after school, I can't miss it." Okay maybe that was a lie, it's not like couldn't ever miss the meeting, Kent would just feel me in on everything, but my mom doesn't know that.

"That's why Brittany is picking you up," She said the last few words in don't-even-think-about-arguing-with-me tone of voice, "besides  both your sisters are doing much better she wants to make sure everyone is on the sane page,"

"Fine," I say and get out of the car, mom is right now parked in visitor parking for the school.

"By the way, be nice to Ms. Brooks she's done a lot for this family," she waits until I nod, to leave.

●●■●●

I sit in the almost vacant class room. Other than me there's only two people in the room, and that would be Kent and Katie the only two who even bothered to show up for the mathletes meeting today, Katie transferred to our team from her previous school.

"Why didn't you cancel?" Katie asks the obvious qestion.

"Carmen insisted that we go through with it," Kent replies.

They both look at me expectant, "What?" I ask, "It's important to me,"

Katie rolls her eyes at me, "I'm out of here," she gits up to leave.

"What? Why?" I ask.

"Because this is boring and I have a boyfriend waiting to hang out with me, so bye." She exits the room leaving me and Kent all alone in the room. I look at him leaning against his dest his arms are folded over his chest and--is he smirking at me?

"What?" I demand.

"Your face, when Katie left was priceless."

"Whatever, I really don't care" total lie their  folks.

"What's up?" Kent asks me, suddenly he's serious, looking at me with concern.

I act as if I don't understand the question, "Nothing much, would about you?"

He raises his eyebrows at me, "Really," he draws, "come on you know what I meant. Carmen, why did you wanna stay here at school longer than it's necessary?" look down at me feet and begin to click them together since I'm sitting in a desk. I'm embarrassed by the fact that have to go to--to therapy. It even sounds bad in my head. I let out a long groan. "Carmen? What's wrong you can tell me anything, I sware. Okay?"

I nod at him. Kent is so nice, I think about earlier today when I asked him to still have the mathletes meeting, without question he still held it. "Kent?" I say and bite my lip not knowing how to start, "I - well my family we have a thing," a thing. That sounds so stupid! "We have a family therapy session." I say blurting out the last few words out as fast as I can, and I try not to blush extremely red. I fell at the blushing, so I just choose to look away from him.

"Carmen . . . " Kent trails off suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder warm and comforting, "There's nothing wrong with therapy, it helps people, it's not a thing to be ashamed of. Joe's girlfriend Chantelle is a psychologist"

"I know, I just don't want poeple think I'm broken, because I'm not." I say and turn to Kent.

"Carmen," He says my name again this time it's softer if it's possible, "You're not broken, you've already been glued back together," he looks me straight in the eye my heart stops at the intensity in them. "Carmen, I have a long past with a lot of things I regret doing, and a lot of thoughts I regret thinking, it's okay to have a few cracks in are glass heck it's okay to be shattered."

With that word. That one word, shattered I'm shocked. Kent doesn't know my past he doesn't know how that word affects me in a way he could never possibly know, he doesn't know how that's so connected to my life. "Your don't understand Kent, my past there's things, but--." I take a deep breath and start to tell him a boutique myself, about the part of me I've tried to forget.

"Kent, a year ago I wasn't the same person, I wasn't all there. Kent a year ago I wasn't a person, I was just a breathing machine I stopped feeling maybe it was because of my sisters and their problems or whatever it was, I just shut down I stopped being anything really, I pretended so much that I got to a point where I didn't know If I was pretending or not," I look at Kent who is silent. Why am I telling him this? Because I need to tell someone.

"The way I felt then, we'll I don't feel that way anymore not after--." I cut myself off not ready to speak about the glass yet, "I changed Kent for the better, I'm better but sometimes, sometimes I still . . . Still--." I take deep breath and tell him somthing I've never told anyone before.

"Kent, I laugh, I cry, I hope, I dream, but not on the same level, sometimes I feel so far away from everything, I fee like I'm disconnected." The words shoot out of my mouth as I stare at Him, the boy I hated now the boy I might be in love with.

Kent looks at me and I look at him. I didn't mention that the therapy session wasn't really for me, but that didn't matter I needed to get this out tell someone else, let them share the pain.

"Carmen," Kent says and before I know what's happening he hugs me tight, "We all have our own demons," he looks me straight in the eyes, "Carmen this is what makes us, us. Yeah sometimes we go through a lot of bad in a short time and wish we could be young again, but we can't. Carmen this numbness, this disconnection you feel will pass with time, you chose to become stronger instead more broken and sometimes it takes a long time to glue all the pieces back together, but it's not about being whole it's about being you, no matter what. People can't push you around because it's your life, you can't lie down, you have to keep on fighting because those battle scars will tell your story and how you became you."

I squeez Kent hard, tightening my grip around his torso. Those words Kent just said to me, they helped me. He knew exactly what to say to help me. I love you. I think those words over and over again. I love Kent Clarkson! The comic kid! The super dork. The super idiot. And in this moment my personal superhero.

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I just want to believe I'm actually publishing this, but here it is!