as unsinkable as i can be // the wilds

chapter twelve.

"We should be dead."
"Yeah, but... we're not. We're alive. I-It's a miracle."
"We're alive. We're ALIVE! We survived this! We- we have a chance!"
"How- how is this even possible?!"
"We-we got a second chance. This is our second chance!"
Everything began to spin.
"N-no, no," I stuttered, my hands shaking, everything rattling inside of me. "No no no no-"
Arms, around me, tight.
Toni.
People are watching, people are watching, Toni!
"Rae... Rae, you are okay,"
They want to live. T-they all wanted to live, live for years, and I wanted to die. I-I want to die, and they are here wanting to live-
"I don't want it, no, I don't want it I don't want it-"
I couldn't look at their faces, not as Toni carefully led me to sit down and I felt them follow, still keeping their distance, still staying far away but close enough so people knew that they cared.
"I t-tried-d... I t-tried..."
"Shh... it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter..." Someone passed Toni a wet shirt - I assumed it was Dot, or maybe Shelby - and she pressed it against the back of my neck. My throat began to close up, tears choking me.
I tried to leave. I tried to leave. I tried to leave I tried to leave I-
"Raelynn, look at me. Rae, look at me." I met her eyes, those chocolate swirls with hazel and auburn and gold around the pupils. They were tired eyes, eyes that had seen things and been through things and cried over things that most people never could imagine experiencing. And there I was, trying to leave, when everything was okay-
"You are okay. You are okay."
How can anything be okay? How can they look at me, when they know? They have to know-
Leah. She knew it, I could tell. I could see it in her eyes. She... related. She knew what it was like. To not have anything to live for. We made eye contact, and she gave me a weak smile.
I leaned against Toni, closing my eyes, everything starting to drift away, and before I realized what I was doing, I strung my fingers through hers and wrapped my other arm around her waist.
Later, I found out that I had drifted off into sleep pretty quickly, something that was very out of the norm for me. But apparently Toni had kept me comfortable and calm for hours, not moving at all, not even to pee.
When I woke, I could tell that the sun was getting ready to go down, and the girls had been packing up to do something. It took a second for everything to come flooding back; the black box, the cave, the recording. There was a moment that I began to panic, but there were arms once again - Toni's - and I was okay again.
"Thank you," I whispered to her, and she kissed me on top of the head. "Thank you."
"I'll always be here, Rae," she whispered back, and I smiled into her chest.
When it began to get cold, we started to move up to the cave, and Toni never strayed too far from where I was. Leah, too, seemed to get closer to where I was, struggling to carry Fatin's suitcase until I ran up and helped her lift up the other side. She nodded in thanks, and we found ourselves walking in a comfortable silence until we reached the cave.
"Seems a little cold in here, Dorthy," Fatin sighed, pulling a fuzzy pink jacket around her.
"Yeah, well, would you prefer a rainstorm or a roof over your head?" Dot began moving rocks out of the way, making a clearing for us to lay down for sleep. Fatin just huffed in response, glaring at the Texan.
"Are we sure there isn't like... a bear, in here, or something? O-or bats?" Martha asked tentatively, stopping at the opening of the cave and wringing her fingers together. Toni slung her arm around her shoulders, leaning up against her and dropping the pile of wood that she had carried from camp.
"Don't worry, Marty. The bear will come at night, and he'll find you first, and he'll start at your organs, peeling them out until the bats come and-"
"Toni!" Martha laughed, shoving her playfully, yet a little nervousness creeping into her voice. "That is not funny!" Toni shoved her back, and they snorted as they began to set up the fire and unpack the bedding.
Dot stepped out of the cave as the sun was nearly gone, and Shelby followed her. I watched as the flash of green as the sun hit the horizon seemed to stun Dot, and it took me a second to realize that she had never seen it before. Shelby put her hand on her shoulder, pulling her in close, and I could see the tears running down Dot's cheeks. I made a note to myself to pray for her, even though I didn't know what she was struggling with.
"Here," a voice said, coming to sit beside me on the large, semi-flat rock that was up against the cave wall. Leah handed me one of Fatin's large, gold puffer jackets, and I happily put it on.
"Thanks," I told her, and she sighed beside me. We were silent, for a while, yet I could tell Leah had a pressing question on the back of her throat.
"You... you tried to... kill yourself, didn't you?" She had lowered her voice, thank God, but the question caught me off guard. I swallowed hard, smoothing my hair back and taking a deep breath.
I turned to look at her in the eye. "Yeah. Yeah, I did."
She nodded once, looking down at her feet, and then back up at me. "That's why the recording messed with you so much. You realized that all of us were so happy to be alive, and you... you had tried to end it all."
I laughed a little to myself, despite the situation. That was how I found myself reacting in those moments, the hard ones that you can't chew and swallow in one sitting, or two, or three.
"Yeah," I responded, breaking eye contact. "You figured it out quickly."
Leah took my hand, squeezing it tight.
"Do you want to tell me why?"
I shook my head, squeezing her hand back.
"No, not yet."
She nodded, smiling a little.
"Well I'm here, if you need it. And so is Toni."

—-

Guys, I'm so sorry it's been so long! It's been such an off weekend for me, and I haven't slept in over a week. It took me a while to finally start writing this, but when I did, I found a lot of relief, especially knowing that it wasn't just me reading this. I really appreciate y'all, more than y'all can imagine.
So thank you, so much.

xoxo,
Em.

(ps. WE HIT 3K!!)
(pps. yes, I am southern, if you couldn't tell from the immense "y'all's" that I use. Just wanted to clear the air there.)